Posted in satire/humor, Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent Admits To Soiling Himself To Avoid The Draft

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Ted Nugent , aka , SpongeTed Squishy Pants

For years , conservative hero , and musician , Ted Nugent , who once described himself as a black guitar player from Detroit , has been depicted by many of his critics as a living parody due to an interview he once gave to High Times magazine, in which he recounted how he was able to avoid a physical for the draft. In that interview , he described in great detail , how he had gone for weeks without bathing and using the bathroom prior to his physical exam.

Nugent has previously claimed that he made up the story with High Times , just to screw with them. But in a recent interview with The Dallas Free Press , he admitted that the story was basically true , just not the way he described it to the Times.

“Sure , I pooped my pants ,” he said. “Everybody poops their pants sometime in their life. Just so happens I pooped mine before my physical exam , and I’ve pooped them a few times since. But it wasn’t because I was a coward like the dishonest , Ted hating liberal punks tell it. Far from it. I was a hard working , sh*t kicking , mother f**king , black guitar slayer from Detroit.

“You see , I had it good. I was becoming a living legend , like Jimi Hendricks , only whiter , and there was no f**king way I was giving up my guitar to go off to a foreign land to squat and sh*t in fox holes. I mean , just the thought of giving up my sweet , precious guitar , scared the sh*t out of me. And I mean that , literally. Every time I thought I would never play my guitar again , which was every day , I would go in my pants. Piss , poop , the whole sh*t. Sometimes I would go three or four times a day , and I was so depressed that I was munching down on nothing but junk food , cookies , chips , sausage , pizza , hot dogs. You name , if it had no nutritional value , I wolfed it down , and the more depressed I became , and the more I pooped. I could feel it oozing down my legs , and building up in my shorts and drawers. My pants were yellow from all the piss , and got so crusted up from all the poop , that I could barely walk in them. And my hair was all matted with piss and poop. I was a walking , talking , six foot three , hunk of human cesspool. I carried a God awful cloud of stink around me , like the Peanuts character , Pig Pen. Probably looked like him , too.

“So , I go in for my physical , and the rubes in uniform couldn’t believe how bad a human being could smell. I had a cloud of flies buzzing around my pants , and this huge sh*t eating grin on my face. With my scraggly beard , and poop matted hair , I must have looked like a walking corpse , and smelled like one , too. They were laughing and making fun of me , and I wanted to cry , but all I could do was laugh along with them. I knew I had the rubes beat.

“Then one of the rubes tells me to take off my pants and pee in a cup , and when I did , a couple of hunks of poop fall on the floor , and the rube almost gags on the smell , and I’m still grinning my sh*t eating grin , and he goes , ‘ Oh my God! What’s wrong with you , boy?! Put those pants back on and get the f**k out of here!’

“So I did. I went home , cleaned myself up , ate a good meal , and a few days later I got a 4 F in the mail , explaining that I was unfit for service due to excessive uncleanliness. And that’s the real story I told the Times how I really soiled my pants.”

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Posted in satire/humor, Ted Nugent, Uncategorized

Sponge Ted Squishy Pants Insults Parkland Teen Activists As Soulless And Brainless

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SpongeTed Squishy Pants , AKA Ted Nugent.

From the Washington PostConservative rocker Ted Nugent , known affectionately as The Motor City Madman by his fans , and Uncle Ted by the scores of underage girls he had inappropriate affairs with , recently criticized Parkland teen gun control activists as soulless and mushy brained in a recent interview on the Joe Paggs Show on Newsmax TV.

“I hate to say it , but these teens are soulless , mushy brained commie pinkos whose only goal in life is to blame responsible gun owners for mass murder and take their guns away. Hitler wanted gun control too , and he got it by confiscating all guns in Germany so the Jews couldn’t fight back.”

Parkland Florida high school shooting survivor , Sarah Chadwick , responded via Twitter by calling Nugent a mushy pants draft dodger who deliberately soiled himself to avoid the Vietnam war , with the hashtag Sponge Ted Squishy Pants.

According to Ted Nugent student activists who witnessed their friends getting shot , are mushy brained and soulless. But Ted , tough talking , gun-toting , great American Patriot , once soiled himself to avoid the draft.

#Sponge Ted Squishy Pants. 💩💩💩

Nugent wasn’t too thrilled with Chadwick’s response , so he took to his Facebook page with the following rant :

“For all the morally inept and mushy brained liberals who have spread fake news about me supposedly soiling myself to avoid the draft , nothing could be further from the truth. What happened was , I had a bad combination of elk meat and refried beans and had the craps for a week.”

Yeah , right Ted.  Either way sounds believable.           

Posted in Dana Loesch, NRA

A Response To Dana Loesch’s Clinched Fist Of Truth ( Hypocrisy ) Video

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NRA lap dog , Dana Loesch.

🍁 In a video reminiscent of her 2015 “Godless Left” rant , rabid NRA lap dog Dana Loesch has released another comical NRA sponsored video , in which she again calls liberals terrorists. Although she doesn’t call for violence against the “violent Godless left” the intent is implied that they are dangerous and must be dealt with by arming themselves with more guns.  

This video , like the last one , was produced for one purpose , and that purpose is to portray liberals as a dangerous threat to freedom and liberty. The Godless Left video was in response to calls for gun control , after the San Bernardino Inland Empire shooting , in which the New York Daily News mocked Republican thoughts and prayers , with the headline

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God Isn’t Fixing This , sparking an outrage among Conservatives.  The NRA responded , with their favorite lap dog/shill , Dana Loesch accusing liberals of attempting to destroy their freedom to pray , and that liberals were marching hand in hand with Islamic terrorists , singing Kumbaya , simply for calling for an end to gun violence.

These videos are like self-parodies. Conservatives are completely unaware of the glaring hypocrisy  , but liberals can see right through her for the shameless hypocrite she is. Literally everything she accused liberals of doing , was straight out of the  Obama hater’s playbook.

  1.  “They use their media to assassinate real news.” What does this even mean? Real news? Like The Blaze , where truth lives? Which is ironic , since Dana is currently employed at a network with no more credibility than Fox News , and a host of other questionable sources of yellow journalism , such as World Nut Daily , Town Hall , and The Gateway Pundit , AKA The Dumbest Man On The Internet. I’m sure these are all sources of real , credible news to Dana and much of her audience. I’m sure Jim Hoft’s award-winning ( from Accuracy In Media , no less ) journalism must have inspired her tedious career when she was at CNN. Also ironic , Dana has been using her platform to call everything else that doesn’t tow the Conservative line , as fake news. 
  2. “They use their schools to teach children that our president is another Hitler.”
    She states this as if it’s fact , with no evidence to back it up. However ,
    I do recall for the last eight years that Dana and her cronies in the media , attacked a certain president over everything from health care reform ( AKA as Obama Care ) , foreign policy , to gun control , often referencing him not only to Hitler , but every other dictator in modern times. And they used their media to tell their viewers that he hated America , was a communist , and was a friend to Islamic terrorists.
  3. “They use their stars and award shows to advance their narrative over and over again.” I wonder what that narrative could possibly be. Could it possibly be speaking out against police abuse of authority? I understand this is something that’s frowned upon by wing nut Conservatives who believe the police can do no wrong , and anyone who criticizes them must be cop haters , like they accused Obama of hating cops because he had the audacity to question police authority where killings were unjustified.
    It wasn’t too long ago they were using their own celebrities like The Motor City Loudmouth , Rush Limbaugh , and numerous pundits like Tomi Lahren , Janine Pirro , and everyone else at Fox News , to advance their own narratives , that Obama was an anti-white racist , and a cop hater , over situations ranging from criticizing a white cop for arresting a Harvard Law professor in his own home , the events in Ferguson , Baltimore , benign comments on the tragic deaths of several police officers , and a seventeen year old black teenager. Just because he didn’t side with the racist narrative that George Zimmerman was the victim and Martin the aggressor , made him a racist? Not God damn likely.
  4. “They use their ex-president to endorse their resistance.” Apparently , according to Dana , Obama must be directing thousands of Trump haters to loot and destroy property , via mind control , with chips implanted in their heads.
    All to make them march , make them protest” – I doubt they need Obama to motivate them to march , to protest. Trump’s behavior is all the motivation they need – “Make them scream racism” – The irony here is thick enough to cut with a knife – “Sexism , xenophobia , homophobia , smash windows , burn cars , shut down interstates” – I’m sure Trump marchers have never done that , have they? – “airports , bullying and terrorizing the law-abiding” – again , Trump supporters have never done that , have they? There are armed militia wandering the streets in “open carry” states intimidating citizens ; there were armed  militia defending the Bundy ranch ; there were armed Oath Keepers and other militia who had taken over the Malheur wildlife sanctuary , but according to Dana , it’s the left who are doing the intimidating- “until the only option left is for the police to do their jobs and stop the madness.”
    When she mentioned racism , I doubt she was thinking that not too long ago it was her side that was screaming racism at Obama , when pundits and right-wing nut bloggers like John “Obama’s an anti-white racist” Hawkins of Right Wingnut News , and Jim “The Gateway Pundit” Hoft , were making fools of themselves trying to convince their  dense readers that Obama was a rabid anti-white racist , with no evidence to back up their claims.
    Just as I’m sure she was not thinking of the birther movement. She and many of her audience may not have outright endorsed it , but there is no evidence that they denounced it.
    When she mentioned sexism , I doubt she thinking of the many instances when her totally not sexist buddies , Rush Limbaugh , and Ted Nugent demeaned Democratic women like Sandra Fluke , Hillary Clinton , and Nancy Pelosi.
    When she mentioned homophobia , I doubt she was thinking about the wing nut melt down over the Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage. Nor was she thinking of the time she was moved to tears over the pizza store bigots who refused to bake a pizza for a gay couple , and subsequently started a Go Fund Me account for the true victims – the pizza store owners , that is. If these people had been refusing to bake a pizza for Christians , imagine the stink Dana and her cronies at The Blaze would have raised. It would have given them a legitimate reason to bitch and moan. But , no , it’s the gays who are the real bigots for calling them on their bigotry.
    During the Obama years , the Obama hating “patriots” moaned incessantly about free speech , and oppression under Obama , even as they burned his effigy , called him a communist , a socialist  , a Muslim terrorist , anti-Christian , a racist , a cop hater , compared him countless times to Hitler , claimed he hated America , wasn’t an American ,  and if anyone dared criticize them , or push back , they were often accused of playing the race card.

     All these videos have demonstrated , is that Conservatives like Loesch are disingenuous. They don’t really care about honesty. All they care about is furthering their own agenda , and that agenda is to sell more guns despite the countless children that will be massacred , and transform America into an armed police state , where any form of dissent by their political enemies – liberals – is seen as treasonous. They ultimately succeed in making themselves look foolish by accusing liberals of the very same tactics they engage in.

    Update : I often wonder if images like these haunt shameless hypocrites like Dana Loesch , who believe basic gun control is a violation of their second amendment right. Hypocrites who accuse others of having blood on their hands , while defending and making excuses for those who truly do have blood on their hands :
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Herself , and the NRA.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Alternative facts, Kelly Ann Conway, satire/humor

Fox Planning To Debut New Show , Alternative Facts With Kellyanne Conway

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Kellyanne Conway to host new show on Fox , Alternative Facts.

 Washington –  A new show will soon debut on Fox. It’s called Alternative Facts With Kellyanne Conway. The fair and balanced Fox News loves the new president , Donald Trump , and they love Kellyanne Conway just as much. The new show will air Friday mornings across the Fox Network , just after Fox And Friends , starting early next month.

According to producers of the new show , topics for discussion will include the size of president Trump’s inaugural attendance – which sources have claimed numbered in the hundreds of thousands – how former president Obama tapped Trump Tower phones , some sources even claiming that the Obama dogs were the real culprits , the supposed Bowling Green Massacre , and president Trump’s Muslim ban that really wasn’t a ban.

Alex Jones , King of kooks , crackpots  , wackos , and fruitcakes.

 Fans have praised  the new show as innovative , and ground breaking. “It’s a refreshing change to the liberal media bias ,” said conspiracy theorist , Alex Jones. “It’s about time someone as intelligent as Kellyanne Conway is willing to tell the truth that the liberal media under Obama wasn’t  willing to touch with a fine tooth comb , because they were his lap dogs , just like Sonny and Bo are his lap dogs. Like the tapping of the Trump Tower phones during the election. It was the Obama dogs that were the real criminals. And the Bowling Green Massacre , which really did happen , involving ACORN , illegal immigrants , and the walking dead , just as they were involved in stealing the last two elections for Obama. I can’t wait to be on her show and tell her all about it!”

Conservative wind bag , Mark Levin.

“Now that we have Donald Trump  , a real president in the White House!” Conservative screecher Mark Levin said earlier this week. “The alternative facts – the real facts – will come out! Obama and his whole family will finally be jailed for treason! We couldn’t get him on his birth certificate , we couldn’t get him on executive orders , and we couldn’t get him on Benghazi! But I am confident that we will get him on espionage! America will be outraged and shocked to learn that Obama trained his dogs Sonny and Bo Obama – who are most likely communists themselves , that’s right , I said it! Prove me wrong! – to tap president Trump’s phones! I can’t wait to be on the show!”

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The Motor City Madman reacting to the news of Kellyanne Conway getting her own show on Fox.

  No one was more excited than Ted Nugent. “When I found out Trump was the next president of the United States , I  actually crapped my pants , I was so excited ,” Ted Nugent told Gun Shots And Cum Shots magazine. His critics have charged that he did the same to avoid the Vietnam war , which Nugent claimed was nothing but liberal lies to make him look weak and spineless , something which can ‘be expected from liberals ,” he said. “When I found out Kellyanne Conway was getting her own show at Fox , my favorite channel , I crapped my pants again. I also shot my load and all eight hundred of my guns at the same time. I can’t wait to be on the show and do it again!”

Posted in Liberal Logic 101, Stupid Conservative memes

Stupid Conservative Memes #56 Liberal Logic 101 Edition

       

Some of these memes are so ridiculous , I sometimes don’t know where to start. It’s obvious the people who put these things together , don’t put much thought into them. Just straw man liberals and accuse them of everything you do. Only a Conservative who doesn’t understand logic would write something  this absurd.

Liberals blame lax gun laws. Not true. When a shooting occurred during Obama’s watch , liberals blamed the person who committed the crime , not lax gun laws. To Conservatives , guns are not the problem , but gun control. Many of them believe they should have the right to own an arsenal of weapons , and anyone who might disagree , is violating their second amendment right. Anyone who believes a background check is unreasonable , and restrictive of the their second amendment right , and believes that this is proof that the government is out to take their guns , is basically a person who doesn’t care that a violent , potential criminal can their hands on a gun. These people don’t seem to get angry and frustrated that these shooting events take place , that children are being murdered. They seem to be more angry and frustrated that others have the audacity to want expanded background checks so these events don’t happen as frequently. I believe the politicians who have sold their souls to the NRA and to The Gun Owners Of America , and their rabid supporters in the Conservative news media who scream about gun control being an oppressive assault on the second amendment , they should be forced to attend the funerals of children whose bodies have been ripped to pieces by bullets. Maybe then they would do more than offer prayers.

Conservatives point out that victims were disarmed by oppressive gun restriction. These people sincerely believe that victims of gun violence would never be victims of gun violence , if only they had been armed. A variation of a  ‘a good guy with a gun will always stop a bad guy with a gun.’ Every gun nut from Dana Loesch to Ted Nugent has used this lame argument. Maybe these people should stand guard outside of public schools and wait for an opportunity to play cops and robbers with a maniac hell-bent on killing a few kids with an assault weapon. Most likely , none of them would live to brag about it. To suggest that victims , like the innocent children at Sandy Hook , were victims disarmed by oppressive gun restriction , is absolutely insane.

Liberals scream that Conservatives are heartless for politicizing a tragedy. Every single shooting that occurred during the Obama presidency , it was Conservative media that consistently accused Obama and Democrats of politicizing. They did it with the Sandy Hook shooting ( they mocked him for being emotional over the senseless deaths of children , proving – at least to me – that they value the second amendment over the lives of children ). They did it with Michael Brown. They did it with Trayvon Martin. They did it with the five Dallas police officers. They did it with the Chattanooga Tennessee shooting. They did it with the Dylann Roof , Charleston church shooting ( the no gun control crowd were more angry at the prospect of more gun control  , than they were at the fact that nine people had been murdered ). They did it with the San Bernardino shooting. They did it with the Orlando night club shooting. They did it with the Roseburg , Oregon , Umpqua community college shooting. In these instances , they blamed Obama and accused him of politicizing , because he had the temerity to express actual sympathy for the families of the victims , and the possibility that common sense gun reform might prevent some of these types of tragedies from occurring. How dare the communist , gun grabbing bastard! 

Posted in snowflake, Tomi Lahren

Twenty Fives Signs You Might Be An Alt-Right , Triggered , Whiny , Attention-Seeking Crybaby Snowflake Like Tomi Lahren , And Need A Safe Space , Part 1

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Tomi Lahren , Patron Saint and Queen of the alt-right snowflakes.

Since the election of Donald Trump , a new trend has become popular. It’s a term to describe anyone who takes offense easily , or gets triggered by anything they dislike. The term  is snowflake. During Trump’s campaign , his followers used it to insult anyone who disagreed with them , or with Trump himself. Tomi Lahren , the Patron Saint Of Snowflakes used it almost incessantly to insult liberals for everything they said and did , and by doing so , she proved herself to be the biggest snowflake of them all.

Here are the first ten trigger warnings that you might be a whiny , attention-seeking crybaby snowflake like Tomi Lahren , if …

1) You believe Donald Trump is a victim of the liberal news media. Criticism equals victim hood to many Trump supporters. 

2) You believe white people are victims of racism. Seriously , if you do , you’re a special kind of snowflake. 

3) You believe Black Lives Matter is a racist , anti-white hate group. If you  seriously believe this , seek mental therapy.

4) You believe the phrase Happy Holidays is a liberal assault on Christmas. Again , if you honestly  believes this ,  seek psychiatric help.  

5) You believe global warming is a liberal hoax , despite tons of scientific evidence. Read the scientific data.

6) You believe Barack Obama is an anti-white racist for criticizing a white police officer. 

7) You believe Conservatives are noble truth tellers , and liberals just lie all the time.

8) You believe Ted Nugent is a sane , intelligent human being who makes sense.

9) You believe Tomi Lahren tells it like it is.

10) You believe Donald Trump is a victim of liberal bullying.

 If you answered yes to any of these  , you are definitely an alt-right , triggered , whiny , attention-seeking , crybaby snowflake like Tomi Lahren and definitely need a safe space.

Posted in John Hawkins, satire/humor

More Reasons Not To Trust A Liberal ( Or Why I Still Hate Liberals ) , Part 2

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John Hawkins , Rightwing News.

Even though Obama is no longer in the White House , I will continue making fun of liberals. So , here is my continuing list of Why I Still Hate Liberals …

1) They don’t believe Obama is persecuting Christians. Ever since Obama became president , Christians and Conservatives have been under attack. They’ve been attacked  in the streets all over America by liberal mobs angry at the fact that Conservatives and Christians are wishing them Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays. Liberals are such wimps.

2) They believe Ted Nugent is a draft dodging pants pooper. Ted is a real American patriot , because he hunts  , and hates liberals , not because he dodged the draft by pooping his drawers.

3) They’re slobs. When liberals eat , they can’t help but act like the slobs they are. It’s in their nature. It’s in their genes. Liberals are born to be slobs. They have no qualms about belching and farting around others , and at the dinner table. Liberals are such pigs.

4) If Jesus were black or Muslim , they would gladly believe in him. When Megan Kelly claimed Jesus was white , liberals had a fit , proving how racist they are. They can’t stand the fact that Jesus is white and will always be white.

5) They don’t believe in Santa Claus. Again , liberals would believe in Kris Kringle if he were black , but he’s also white , and American , whether they believe it or not. It’s just a fact.

6) They have warts. Liberals are ugly , which is why only they have warts.

7) They love to eat children. It’s a fact that liberals will eat anything , even kids. In fact , liberals will gladly eat their own kids if they had nothing else to eat.

8) They’re sex maniacs. When liberals aren’t eating kids , babies , puppies , and everything else , they’re sex maniacs. They’re either masturbating relentlessly or humping each other like wild animals. liberals are so nasty.

9) They’re serial killers. Everyone knows liberals are serial killers. Want proof? See #7.

10) They believe Wheaties really are the breakfast of champions. You read that right. Liberals really are that stupid.

And there you have it , more reasons why I still hate liberals and wouldn’t touch one even if they converted to Christianity , which is not very likely , since liberals hate Christians.

Posted in satire

A Candid Conversation With Uncle Ted : How I Learned To Kill And Blow Things Up

Motor-City-MadmanTed Nugent is one of the  most prolific  American rock legends of the twenty-first century , having released  approximately thirty-four records to date ,  and has sold tens of millions  world-wide. He is best known for songs such as Cat Scratch Fever , Wango Tango ,  Stranglehold , and Free For All. Sometimes referred to as the Motor City Madman he is also an avid hunter , a spokesman for the Outdoor cable channel , a board member of the NRA , and an outspoken critic of the Democratic party.

During a 2007 concert , he once suggested that Barack Obama , Nancy Pelosi , and Hillary Clinton have a foursome with his machine gun. Needless to say , none of them took him up on his offer.

Recently , I spoke with Ted about a couple of  his favorite hobbies … hunting – which includes killing  and blowing things up – and his obsession with Megan Kelly.

“Has hunting always been your favorite hobby?”

 “It’s always been my greatest love , ever since I was a kid. I just love to kill things and blow things up ,” he said with a mischievous grin from his Michigan ranch. “When I was eight  , my parents bought me a pellet gun for Christmas. I remember it was a Daisy Red Ryder. It was the first gun I ever owned. I loved that gun. I thought it was the greatest thing a kid could ever have. It was like my best friend. I loved it so much , I named it Ted Jr.. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to , I would have conversations with it. I carried it with me everywhere I went. I ate with it , I slept with it , and I even shat with it. The only place I wasn’t allowed to take it , was to school. I really wanted to take it to school with me. There was this kid that bullied me almost every day. His name was Timmy Toland. But I called him Timmy The Tank , because he was built like one. He was at least three times my size.  Almost every day he  would steal my lunch , give me wedgies – sometimes even atomic wedgies – rub my face in dirt , and sometimes him and his buddies would bring bags of dog doody to school and take turns rubbing it in my face , and I would have to go to class smelling like crap , while my class mates laughed at me.

“I  wanted  to take that gun to school with me so badly , so I could shoot those bastards eyes’ out.

“My father told me that if I ever threatened to shoot anybody with it , I would get the ass whooping of my life. Which , of course , was inevitable and came all too soon. I always expected I would get the ass whooping of my life , but I didn’t think it would be that soon. You see , my brother Johnny , who was two years younger than me at the time , was jealous that I’d gotten a Red Ryder.  Apparently , he wanted one of his own , so one day , on a weekend , I guess he thought it would be cool to play with it while I was asleep. I remember it was a Saturday morning , just minutes before sunrise. And  I also remember there was one box of pellets left and he used them all.  Well , when I found out what he had done , I totally blew my cool. I mean , I complete lost it. I don’t think I’ve ever been that pissed off at anybody – that is , until fifty-two years later when  I’d learned that Obama the Kenyan communist had somehow weaseled his way into the White House.

“When I confronted him – Johnny , not Obama – he tried to blame it on our older brother , Jeffrey. ‘Why are you blaming me?’ he whined.  ‘How do you know it wasn’t Jeffrey?’

“I knew it wasn’t Jeffrey , because Jeffrey wasn’t jealous of us. John  was always the jealous one. He was always crying and complaining that we always got everything we wanted and he never got anything. Of course , he was full of crap , and I told him so. Then I gave him a Nugent Noogie , what Jeffrey gave to the both of us whenever we annoyed him. Second , I gave him a Smelly Nugent – a butt rub to the face , including an expulsion of methane. And third , I made him suck on the barrel of my Red Ryder , while I pulled the trigger. He cried like a little girl , and shat his pants.

“He immediately went running to our father – smelling like crap – telling him what I had done. And that was when I received the ass whooping of my life. It didn’t matter that the gun wasn’t loaded. My father was pissed and determined to punish and humiliate me. Which is exactly what he did. He bent me over his knee , butt naked , while the whole family watched , and  gave my ass a good whooping with a ping-pong paddle. And it hurt just as much as he promised it would. But of course , it wasn’t the only ass whooping I got. I got plenty more ass whoopings before my twelfth birthday , but none of them hurt quite as much as that first one.

“For that little stunt , my father took Ted Jr. away from me. I wasn’t allowed to touch it for a month. He kept it locked in his gun cabinet , and carried the key in his wallet. And again , it didn’t matter that there wasn’t any pellets to shoot it with.

“When I was ten , my father took Johnny and me hunting with him and Jeffrey , for the first time. By then I had my first shot-gun , a Browning automatic. I named it Ted III. My father loved to kill things and blow things up  too , ever since he was a kid. Like his father did  before him. Which is where he learned to love to kill things and blow things up. Jeffrey also loved to kill things and blow things up. The three of us were real manly men , because we loved to kill things and blow things up. The only one who didn’t love to kill things and blow things up , was Johnny. He was a regular sissy boy. He looked like a sissy girl , he talked like a sissy girl , and he ran like a sissy girl. Everything about him screamed girly boy. Our mother always pampered him. He was a momma’s boy. So it was no surprise he turned out to be such a sissy.

“I loved killing and blowing up small animals with Ted III. On that first hunting expedition , I managed to kill and blow up  a total of four jack rabbits , a weasel , a family of four raccoons – a momma and her kids – a family of four possums – another momma and her kids – twenty-seven tree frogs , seven rats , ten field mice , two wood chucks , and twenty-five birds , including six pigeons , twelve ducks , and three geese. I was a regular killing machine. I out shot both my father and Jeffrey. Neither of them killed or blew anything up. And Johnny , all he did was barf and crap and pee his pants , and cry like a little girl the whole time I was killing and blowing things up. Finally , he ran home screaming to our mother like the little girly boy he was.

“My father never took him hunting again. Which was fine with me. If he had come with us a second time , and crapped and peed himself , and cried like a little girl , I probably would have wound up adding him to the long list of all the animals I had killed and blown up.

“I never had so much fun. I felt so alive. It was exhilarating. I’d killed things  with my Red Ryder , but with those wimpy little pellets , it was impossible to blow them up. Part of the fun of killing something , is blowing it up. I like to see blood and guts and fur flying all over the place. I get off on it. And that’s why hunting has always been my favorite hobby , because it’s so much fun to kill and blow things up that can’t shoot back at you.”

“Recently , you got into a bit of a controversy over some remarks you apparently made about Megan Kelly concerning her criticism of Donald Trump during the republican presidential debate. Do you regret those remarks?”

“Not a chance. Let’s face it. Megan Kelly is a bimbo. It’s no surprise to anyone. Every time she opens her mouth , nothing substantial comes out. She’s just reading from a script or a teleprompter. She has no actual opinions of her own. If she did , I wouldn’t watch her. If she had any brain cells in that empty head , that were capable of a cognitive thought process , it wouldn’t be half as fun. She’s like a blow up doll. Speaking of blow up dolls. I have two. One looks like Ann Coulter  , and the other  looks like Sarah Palin , two of the smartest women I know , because they’re patriotic gun loving Americans like I am.”

“Are you obsessed with Megan Kelly?”

“Not really. I will admit that  I watch her every day ,  and I’m always butt naked when I do , and I’ve always got Ann and Sarah with me , while I’m loading one of my guns. That feeling of cold metal on my junk , as I stroke it , imagining that it’s Megan doing the stroking , while Ann and Sarah watch , is exhilarating , and ecstatic. It’s like hunting and screwing at the same time. It really gets me off. I never fail to blow my nuts. Sometimes even the gun will blow it’s nuts at the same time I do , blasting holes in the walls ,  scaring the crap out of both me and my dogs.”