Posted in satire

How Obama Derangement Syndrome Turned Me Into A Patriotic Paranoid Gun Loving American

When Barack Obama was elected forty-fourth president of the United States , something strange happened. All over America , conservatives and republicans suddenly realized that something was not right with the new president.

It was not that he was a liberal democrat.

It was not that he was bi-racial , or that he was accused of being a foreigner with a strange name.

It was not that he was accused of being a socialist , a Nazi , a Marxist communist  , gay ,  atheist ,  a Muslim , or a Muslim terrorist enabler.

It was none of the above.

It was something much worse. It was a feeling of wrongness , of evil personified.

It was Obama Derangement Syndrome.

Rush Limbaugh explained it this way on a recent broadcast of his syndicated radio show :

 “Loony liberals claim that it is nothing more than fear and hatred of a black man with a foreign name. But that is not the case. Obama Derangement Syndrome is nothing more than the sudden realization that Barack Obama is evil , and wrong for America , and will ultimately take over and destroy not only this great nation , but the entire world. This is inevitable. We know for a fact that he was a student and great admirer of Saul Alinsky , as well as Bill Ayers , both of whom were radical evil communists. And communists have only one goal in mind , and that is to take over the entire world , and enslave all of mankind. And it will happen , ladies and gentlemen. Mark my words. Barack Obama is bidding his time. I believe he is waiting for the very last moment , literally , seconds before the presidency changes hands , and then when we least expect it , he will stage a coup , declare himself King Obama , take all of our guns away and throw all of us who oppose him , into Fema Camps.”

My anonymous source in the White House recently  shared her own unique perspective on Obama Derangement Syndrome.

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What every sane , patriotic gun loving American should be concerned about.

“I was a democrat for most of my life ,” she said. “I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2008.  I wanted to see her win , because I thought it was time for a woman in the White House. With the economy in the toilet due to two wars , failed policies , and countless scandals , I was fed up , as were most Americans. I thought Hillary could change all that. It was time for Bush  to go. We couldn’t take another four years of his shenanigans. Barack Obama came along and promised change for the better , for the good of the country and the economy. He promised to balance the budget , to cut the deficit , and decrease government spending. He was exactly the change that most Americans were looking for. I really believed he was the one who could do it , I believed he was the messiah we were all hoping for. I had friends that believed he was the messiah. But wishful thinking and reality don’t often go hand in hand.

“Like all presidents , he lied to get himself elected. He failed to balance the budget. He failed to decrease both the deficit and government spending , and he  lied about Obama Care when he said you can keep your coverage. He is a pathological liar. He has lied more than all other presidents combined.  Those of us who know the truth about him , know that there is no such thing as Obama Derangement Syndrome. It is simply an invention of the liberal media for those of us who know that he is evil and not to be trusted. It has absolutely nothing to do with the color of his skin , or his name. It does , however , have everything to do with the fact that he is a socialist Marxist communist , a Nazi , an atheist , a gay Muslim , and a Muslim terrorist enabler and sympathizer. And it is for these reasons that he is evil , and just plain wrong for America. And he is doing everything he can to undermine and destroy this once great nation from within. There are several ways he is doing this. He is acting like a dictator with his pen by signing a record-breaking number of executive orders , more than all presidents combined. He deliberately left Americans to die in Benghazi , lied about it , and refused to call it a terrorist attack. He used the IRS to persecute conservatives. He traded Muslim terrorists for a deserter. He continues to financially support Al Qaeda terrorists by sending them flowers , cards , and candy.  He is persecuting Christians with his support of the Nazi LGBT movement , who are in turn , persecuting Christians. He continues to apologize for Americas greatness to its enemies. He is attempting to give nuclear weapons to Iran. He is a gay Muslim , and an atheist. But his greatest crime against America , is shredding copies of the constitution in the Oval office on a daily basis , and laughing while he does it.

“I’ve always considered myself a patriotic American. But I’ve never been much of a gun lover. However , when Barack Obama became president , and I discovered that he was an evil socialist communist , Nazi , gay Muslim , and a Muslim terrorist enabler and sympathizer , I became a republican ,  learned how to use a gun , and I’ve been a patriotic gun loving American ever since.”

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Obama Wants To Eat Your Kids

Aviary Photo_131066935447578748  Michelle Obama released her cook book ‘American Grown‘ in the summer of 2012. Since it’s release , she has campaigned tirelessly to get Americans , and especially children to exercise with her Let’s Move America campaign , and to eat healthier with her school lunch program. But true patriotic Americans are not buying it. And neither are students and their parents. They are fed up with the First Lady , and are letting her know it.

While most people probably couldn’t care less , some Americans – notably , Conservatives – see this attempt by the First Lady as something much more sinister. As most well-informed Conservative Republicans know , the Obama’s are pure evil and are bent on destroying America and everything it stands for. So it is no surprise that the First Lady would implement such a program. To them , it is just another attempt by the Obama’s to further limit our freedoms  , and ultimately destroy America.

I talked recently with Sarah Palin , who voiced her concerns about this program.

“Michelle Obama thinks she has everyone fooled with her Healthy , Hunger Free Kids Act ,” she said. “But if you watch Fox News , Glen Beck ,  and other conservative media that are not afraid to report the truth , then you know for a fact that she’s not fooling everybody. The only ones who are being fooled are the communist liberals who believe the lies of the communist liberal media. We know the truth about this deceitful program , and we have the facts. Most Americans believe it is nothing more than a harmless program to provide healthier school lunches. But the truth is that this program is designed to allow communist liberal  , Marxist , Nazi , gay Muslims to further infiltrate and control our public and private schools by telling our children what they can and cannot eat.

“First they’re removing God from public and private schools , and replacing Christianity with their Godless Muslim religion , and now this. This is exactly how communist liberal , Nazis , Marxist , gay Muslims behave. And the Obama’s have been behaving this way ever since Barack’s first election. And Americans are getting fed up with it. But thank God these communist liberal , Marxist , Nazi , gay Muslim tyrant dictators won’t be in power much longer. I just hope they don’t take our guns away and throw us all in Fema camps before that happens.”

Victoria Jackson , conservative blogger , and writer , has expressed her own concerns about this seemingly innocent program. And while her concerns may seem reasonable to some , they are certainly bizarre.

“There is nothing innocent about it ,” she said. “I believe it’s more than just an attempt to get our kids to eat  healthier. When I first heard about this program , I suspected there was something more to it. I began to question the purpose behind the program. Could it really be a harmless attempt to get Kids interested in exercising and eating right? Or is it something to be suspicious about? They are communists , after all , and communists are evil and everything they do is evil. And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t something harmless. It was something so unbelievable , and so sinister that most of us would never believe it. I believe it is a subtle attempt to gain total control of our schools and our kids for a much more sinister purpose. And I believe that purpose is to get as many students as possible ,  so sick and tired of all the healthy crap they will be force-fed with this program , that they will gorge themselves on as much junk food as they can. And when enough of them are plump and fat enough , they will be in invited to a special surprise dinner at the White House , and then they will find out what Michelle Obama’s school lunch program is really all about. But by then , it will be too late for them. There will be no hope.

“Remember that Twilight Zone episode , To Serve Man , where the aliens who all looked like Lurch from the Addams Family, came to earth to eat everybody? Well , I wrote a book called ,  To Serve Obama : How Barack Obama The Kenyan , Voodoo , Muslim CannibalPlans To Eat Our Kids , With Michelle Obama’s School Lunch Program. It’s a wake up call to warn Americans of Michelle’s book , American Grown , which is really nothing more than a  cook book.

” Please read it , and take action. We must impeach the communist liberal , Nazi , Marxist , gay , cannibal Muslim before he eats all of our kids!”

Posted in satire

Barack Obama Goes To Mars

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King Obama – aka Barry Soetero – on Mars , preparing for his tyrannical dictatorship of America.

 Andrew Basiago , a Washington attorney , claims he visited Mars  in the early eighties as a  participant in  the Darpa program involving time travel and teleportation.  He  also says he met Barack Obama in his youth , then known as Barry Soetero , who had also been recruited as a member of the project. He not only visited Mars , he claims , but was sent back in time to witness Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address , was present in the Ford theatre during Lincoln’s assassination , traveled to the year 2045 , and one million years into the past. He is  the founder and president of the Pegasus project , an organization he started for the purpose of petitioning the government to release its top secret projects to the general public. So far to date , the government has ignored his requests.

Many have dismissed these claims as those of a crack pot , or someone who is simply making it all up just to achieve his fifteen minutes of fame. But there are those who actually believe it. I myself have always believed in the possibility of time travel , and teleportation , and though these claims may seem outrageous at first glance , one must take them with a grain of salt , and an open mind.

I spoke recently  with a colleague of Mr. Basiago’s , who visited Mars with him , and who wished to remain anonymous. We spoke at the headquarters of Project Pegasus. She revealed to me some very interesting information involving the project and Barack Obama’s connection to it , information that is very disturbing , to say the least.

“There were at least forty of us who were chosen to participate in the project ,” she said. “We all had parents , or relatives who were involved in various Darpa programs , which is why we were chosen. We were told that the reason we would be going to Mars , was because we were to be ambassadors to a new planet , and to be citizens of the first Martian colony which had been in existence for some time. Andy was told that he was chosen to fulfill his destiny , which was to expose the secret programs that the government was hiding from the public , and traveling to Mars would prepare him for that. How that makes any sense , I don’t know. But he believed it. He was very naïve in those days , and still is. He believed everything they told us , and almost everything they told us was a lie , as most of us soon discovered.

“We went in groups of four. Andy , Brett Stillings , and I were in the first group with some other guy , I don’t remember who it was. I called him Rat Face , because he had beady eyes , and protruding rat like teeth that were slightly yellowish. We got to Mars on an elevator.  Again , how that makes any sense , I don’t know. There were some flashing lights on the elevator panel , that was operated by someone by remote control outside the car. When the lights turned green , the elevator shot up at what felt like a hundred miles an hour , all at once. It felt like my stomach had been left behind. Like my intestines had been twisted into knots. I almost soiled myself. But I can’t say the same for the others. Andy was alright , though he seemed to be in shock the whole time. Brett , who was the youngest of us , was not only in shock , but he also managed to soil himself , both number one and two. The other guy , Rat Face , barfed not only all over  himself , but Brett as well.

The whole trip took about twenty minutes. When the doors opened , we found ourselves on what appeared to be the surface of Mars. At least it looked like Mars. The sky had a rusty red color to it. We all exited at the same time , retching and gasping for breath. I can’t tell you how  relieved I was to get out of that elevator. If I had been forced to stay in there much longer , I would have barfed also.

To my surprise , the air was breathable , but kind of thin , and it was warm , probably because we were near the equator. And it was mostly green , at least where we were , which was an oasis with a lot of trees , flowers and plants. There was also a  building nearby. It was a round shaped structure , ringed with many windows.  Andy and I walked toward it together. We didn’t want Brett and Rat Face near us because they stank so bad , especially Brett.

“Rat Face looked around dubiously. ‘Is this really Mars?’ he said. Because of his buck teeth , he sounded like Cletus Spuckler on The Simpsons.

” ‘Of course it’s Mars ,’ Andy said. ‘Where else would it be?’

” ‘Oh , I don’t know , maybe a back lot on a Hollywood studio , maybe. Or maybe a drug induced hallucination , maybe.’

” ‘This is not a Hollywood studio lot , ‘ Andy said a little too defensively , ‘Nor is it a drug induced hallucination. It’s Mars. Deal with it.’

” ‘Hey , I’m just saying , ‘ Race Face said.

“The entrance to the building was one of those sliding doors like you see in Star Trek , that open automatically when it senses your presence. We went down a short corridor and entered  a room on the right. Andy was in charge of the group , so we had to follow his lead , because we had no idea where we were going. There were two smaller rooms , restrooms designated with standard gender symbols.

” ‘Get yourselves cleaned up ,’ Andy said. ‘There are jump suits and appropriate foot wear. We’ll meet outside this room in a half hour.’

“Thank God , I thought. I couldn’t stand the poopy smell coming from Brett’s pants any longer. His face was red with embarrassment like  an over grown baby who had just been caught crapping himself.

“Andy was waiting for us outside in the corridor. We were all dressed in the same rust red jump suits, with hiking boots on our feet.

” ‘As soon as the second group joins us , we’ll continue on down to the lower level ,’ he said. ‘There , we will be briefed about safety while on the surface and the indigenous life forms.’

“Five minutes later , the door to the room slid open and the second group came out. The last one to emerge was none other  than Barack Obama himself , who we all knew as Barry Soetero. We had met him at the training academy , and all of us had run into him from time to time. He wasn’t nearly as charismatic , as he is now. I didn’t find him particularly interesting , but Andy seemed to find him endlessly fascinating. He practically pushed everyone aside to greet him.

” ‘Well , we’re finally here ,’ the future president said , as the two smiled and shook hands. ‘This is where it begins.’

“Where what begins?” I asked.

Turning to me , he smiled and said ,’You’ll find out soon enough. You all will.’

“We entered the lower level by way of an elevator that took us more than a mile below the surface. It brought us to a large room with a viewing screen , and exactly forty chairs.  The room was white , with bare walls , like the inside of the main building and the visiting room. Five minutes later a tall man in the same rust red jump suit , and munching on a donut , entered the room. He stood in front of the viewing screen and switched it on with a remote control device.

” ‘I’m Dr. Gates , ‘ he said. ‘And before we begin here I want to welcome you all to Mars , and to congratulate you. You’ve all been chosen to participate in an experiment. An experiment which you soon learn more about. First , you need to know what to expect while you are here. Safety is the number one priority. Always remember that. While on the surface , keep your oxygen masks with you at all times. Each of you will receive one. Remember that the atmosphere on Mars is much thinner than earth , and any prolonged strenuous exercise  may result in unconsciousness. So be careful.

” ‘The second thing is the indigenous life forms that live here on Mars.’

“Many pictures of different species of small animals , flashed continuously across the screen. Some of them somewhat resembled animals that could be found on earth , and others were so strange and weird-looking that they defied a decent description.

” ‘There are many animal species , as you can see , most of them benign , much like the animal life on earth. There are , however , a few of them that are predators , and very dangerous.’

“Two species of aggressive looking animals , one somewhat resembling a large ape like creature , and the other resembling a very large canine , flashed momentarily across the screen.

” ‘Try to avoid them by staying clear of the areas in which they frequent. Later , you will all receive advanced training and procedure on the dangerous species and how to avoid them ,  and protect yourself should you run into any of them. Please remember ,  always carry your weaponry with you at all times. Each of you will also receive a special heat weapon , and proper instructions on how to use it.

” ‘The last topic  is the intelligent life form ,’ Dr. Donut continued. ‘There is only one. Shortly after arriving here on Mars , over two decades ago , we discovered a race of beings we called the Gleeps , because of the similar sound that is emitted from their rectums when they are nervous or upset.’

“The creature on-screen was a funny looking , green-skinned being with large rounded eyes , nearly as tall as a human. It reminded me of the alien creatures in the Toy Story movies.

” ‘They have no form of language , as far as we can tell , except for the sounds that come from their rectums , which may or may not be a form of communication.’

” ‘Or a fart ,’ Rat face said , and everyone laughed.

” ‘Dr. Gates laughed along with the rest of us , nearly choking on a bite of donut. “Yes , I suppose so  , who really knows ,” he said chuckling.

  “He switched off the screen. Seconds later another man in a jump suit , carrying a clip board , entered the room. He tapped Andy on the shoulder and gestured for him to follow.

” ‘Where’s Andy going?’ I asked.

” ‘Andy is on his  way to fulfilling his destiny ,’ Dr. Donut said cryptically. ‘As all of you are. Which is why you are here. You were all chosen to be a part of a grand experiment. As you know , time travel , and teleportation are now a reality. And because of time travel , we are now able to look into the future and see our destiny as it was meant to be.’

“Rat Face , who was sitting behind me , mumbled , ‘What is this dude talking about?’

” ‘I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. Because of the technology of time travel , we have looked into the future , to the year 2010 , and have discovered the future president of the United States and his destiny.’

“Barry stood up. Dr. Donut said , ‘And that future president is … Barack Obama.’

” ‘Who’s Barack Obama?’ Brett asked.

” ‘I am ,’ Barry said , smiling.

“This experiment is to determine if he is worthy of being chosen to fulfill the destiny for which he was born. Hundreds of years ago , The Illuminati chose him to be their savior , and you are all a part of that destiny for good or ill.’

” ‘This is a joke , right?’ I said.

” ‘Do I sound like I’m joking?’

“Barry laughed suddenly , as if someone had whispered something so hilariously funny into his ear. It started as a chuckle , and gradually grew into a long , drawn out guffaw. And I could swear that his eyes actually glowed.

“And that was how it all started. From there it progressed quickly , quicker than any of us could have ever imagined. The grand experiment had been nothing more than a training project to prepare Barry Seotero for his presidential dictatorial tyranny of the United States. The Gleeps , and the colonists  , were exploited as slave labor for everything under the Martian sun. Those of us who were chosen for the project who opposed him , were also used as slave labor , or locked up in prison.

“Andy of course , remained oblivious to it all. Him and Barry were fast becoming buddies , or that’s what Barry wanted him to believe. I tried to warm him that Barry was just using him to gain a future ally , but he wouldn’t listen. To Andy , Barry was a saint and could do no wrong. Just as his countless supporters believe he is.

“Eventually , we were all allowed to go back to earth. They told us that they didn’t care if we exposed the project if we chose to , because no one would believe us anyway , and if anyone did , they would just think we were crazy , and it would not change the future. Nevertheless ,  we told as many people as we could , hoping to convince  anyone who  would listen to the truth , that the communist , liberal , Nazi , gay , Muslim , Martian presidency of Barry Soetero – who would be forever known as Barack Obama  – would be the greatest threat the world has ever known.”

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Proof That Conservatives Are More Intelligent Than Liberals

 Liberals love to brag about how smart they are compared to conservatives. But there have been numerous studies to prove them wrong. Conservatives are more informed , and better educated than liberals. Below are the most common misconceptions that liberals are more intelligent.

 Liberals believe they are experts at everything. Religion , politics , science , education , and life in general.

 Religion …

  Liberals claim that religion is man-made , therefore a myth , a fairy tale.

Fact : This is only partially true. Most of the world religions are indeed man-made. Christianity is the only one true religion , since it was divinely inspired by God. The other existing religions are frauds , fakes , copy cats , inspired by the devil.

 Because liberals tend to be Godless , they mistakenly believe that they have morals. However , numerous studies have disproved this. In one such study , an atheist liberal , and a God-fearing Christian were given pornography to look at. The Godless atheist liberal could not restrain himself , and was tempted to masturbate  again and again , while the God-fearing Christian was able to restrain himself with a simple prayer.

Fact : Conservatives , who are Christians , have morals , which are given to them by  God. In other words , conservatives are moral as a result of their religious beliefs. Liberals tend to be Godless , lacking any religious beliefs , instead embracing a belief in atheism , or any number of Godless religions , such as Islam , deism , or Hinduism. By nature , they are Godless , and are completely lacking in morals , as I alluded to in the above study.

 Conservatives , as a result of their Christian beliefs , lead happier , more fulfilling lives , are more open-minded , are more accepting of new ideas and points of view , and are better problem solvers. Godless communist liberals , because they are completely lacking in morals , are unhappy , mean , close minded , bigoted , racist , people , un accepting of other points of view , and are not very good at solving problems.

Conservatives believe that all life is sacred. Godless communist liberals have no qualms about murdering innocent unborn children , but often try to justify this behavior by accusing Christians of being hypocrites when it comes to children who are gunned down in public schools by the mentally ill. They accuse Christians of opposing stricter gun laws , so by their reasoning  , they must not really care. But the truth is , the only laws Christians and conservatives oppose , are the dictatorial laws mandated by the evil tyrant Obama , who wants to take their guns away , throw everyone – but Godless communist liberals – into Fema camps , turning America into a Godless communist dictatorship , and will do so by any means necessary.

Science …

 Godless communist liberals believe in science. But any God-fearing Christian conservative knows that all aspects of science are just non sense. Liberals  believe in evolution. , the theory that life forms evolve into other life forms. They believe that life began by random chance , that two cells had intercourse , and poof! a new life form came into being. However , there has never been any credible evidence to support this theory. According to the book of Genesis , God created all life as it is , less than seven thousand years ago. Liberals also believe in the theory of global warming , that the earth is slowly getting hotter due to the effects of man-made green house gases in the atmosphere.

Fact : There is no credible evidence for any of these theories. Just ask any scientist , and they will tell you that. They are nothing more than a Godless communist plot to brainwash Americans into accepting a Godless communist dictatorship.

Education

Godless communist liberals believe in free education for all. They believe that public schools should teach only the basics , history , science , math. They believe that religion should have no role in public schools , and even though they have succeeded in removing God from public and private schools , they claim that children still have the right to pray.

Fact : Because God has been removed from public schools , no child has ever been allowed to pray , or even mention His name for fear of persecution. Ever since the evil tyrant Obama took office for the first time , Christians have been persecuted like never before. Teachers have been doused in tar and feathers , and in more extreme cases have been fired for merely mentioning the name of God in classrooms all over America. Students who dare stand up for their faith , are ridiculed , laughed at , called delusional , covered in silly string , also tarred and feathered  , and sometimes even expelled.

Liberals whine about Christians mentioning God or prayer in public schools. They are always crying about separation of church and state , which they claim is in the constitution , but say nothing when Muslims are allowed to teach their Godless religion.  Muslims have been infiltrating our public and private schools since Obama set foot in the White House , and he has always encouraged them – he is a Muslim , after all – to hold prayer vigils , readings from the Koran , and all manner of Godless Muslim activities.

 Communists have also infiltrated our public and private schools. They’ve been doing it since the nineteen fifties. Science is just one way they been doing it. Teaching foreign languages is another. Liberalism is the greatest communist threat to the public and private school system. It’s the foundation of communism. The communist liberal professors out number the conservatives by more than half , proving the existence of a communist liberal conspiracy to brainwash not only the youth of America , but everyone else as well , and to spread the communist menace.

 Politics

 When it comes to politics , liberals take the cake. This is the area in which they deem themselves not just experts , but the ultimate in authority. According to a liberal , they are always right. Anyone who disagrees with them is either a Nazi or a racist bigot. They support free speech , but only when it comes to expressing their own views and opinions. Arguing with them is useless. They always ignore facts , and when conservatives rely on facts to back their own views and opinions , liberals often resort to name calling like the immature progressives they really are. They can’t stand it when a well-informed conservative criticizes Obama , Hillary Clinton , or the communist liberal media. They are so blinded in their devotion to their ideology , they are incapable of seeing the truth when it’s right under their noses.

When a conservative tells the truth about Obama or Clinton , it’s a lost cause. Liberals don’t want to hear the truth about either one of them. They would rather believe the lies of the communist liberal media. It doesn’t matter that Hillary Clinton is lying about her emails – or the fact that she has ordered the murders of dozens of people who have dared to tell the truth about her – or that Obama is a tyrant that is destroying America with his executive orders , his financial and moral support – which includes flowers , love letters , and all sorts of goodies – of Al Qaeda , the Muslim Brotherhood , or the fact that he is taking the guns away from patriotic gun loving Americans , and will ultimately throw them all in Fema camps. This means nothing to liberals. They would rather pretend that everything is alright in their political bubble , while the economy , free speech , and personal freedoms are destroyed by Barack Obama and his evil , communist , Nazi , Muslim , liberal progressive administration.