Posted in Donald Trump, satire/humor

President Trump Signs Executive Order To Arm The Unborn

Trump ordering secret service to remove Jim Acosta from press conference

 

President Trump has signed an executive order to arm the unborn!

In a press conference in the Rose Garden, the president told news reporters, “I have just signed an executive order that authorizes anyone involved in the decision to provide an abortion, to refuse according to their religious or personal beliefs that an abortion is wrong. It also gives arms and weapons manufacturers, Smith And Wesson, Lockheed, Winchester, and others, full authority to assist in the making of specialized weaponry for the purpose of arming the unborn.

“The presidential executive order grants Doctors, nurses, patient and family advisors, full authority to refuse in assisting or taking part in the act of providing an abortion based on religious or personal beliefs that life is sacred. It also grants the unborn full protective status as human beings, as it is outlined in the fourteenth amendment. And as protected citizens, they have the right to arm themselves and shoot the Democrats when they come to pull them from their mother’s wombs.

“Like many Americans, I believe that life begins at reception. Even before you have that first cigarette, there’s another person in the room and you better be careful not to talk about aborting little Timmy, or Sally, because you might hurt their feelings. We need to start treating the unborn like everyone else. That means they should have the right to defend themselves in the event that their precious little lives are threatened baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them for breakfast, instead of having a pop tart or a bowl of Fruity Pebbles or something, and what better way to do that than giving them Uzis and AK-47s? If they had Uzis and AK-47s, the baby hungry Democrats would not be able to eat them, and sell their baby body parts, because, let’s be honest here, what do you do when someone is invading your home, your private property?”

“You shoot them!” Someone shouted from the crowd, eliciting nervous laughter.

“That’s right, ” the president said. “You shoot them. And then you ask them why they broke into your house. If it’s a Mexican, chances are he’s an illegal immigrant, and most likely he would be there to rob you, rape you, kill you, and then steal your job. Chances are it’s all four. If it’s a homosexual, chances are he’s there to convert you, and if you refuse because you’re a conservative, he’ll probably call you a homophobe just because you don’t like gay marriage and want to get rid of it. If it’s a gun grabbing liberal, chances are he’s there to steal your guns like Obama did. If it’s a trans gender, chances are he’s there to use you’re bathroom , and if you tell him – or her, or whatever – no, he’ll call you a transphobe, or whatever made up word they’ve labeled people who don’t believe transsexuals are a thing, and then, for good measure, he’ll probably rob you and then use your bathroom.

“We have the right to protect our property and ourselves with a gun if we choose. When someone invades our privacy, when someone breaks into our home, we have the right to shoot them. It’s in the Bible, and it’s in the constitution. Well, I believe the unborn should have those same rights, because the womb is their home until they’re born, so they have a right to defend it from crazy Democrats who would rather eat babies for breakfast than have a bowl of Wheaties or something. These are deplorable people, the Democrats. They’ve been eating Coco Puffs their entire lives and now they want to eat babies. They were cuckoo for regular Coco Puffs. Now they’re cuckoo for Baby Flavored Coco Puffs.”

CNN correspondent Jim Acosta was the first to raise his hand. President Trump pointed at him reluctantly.

“Don’t get crazy on me, Jim, or I’ll have you tossed out on your can.”

There was scatter nervous laughter.

“Yes, sir. First of all, I’m at a complete loss for words. I believe I speak for most of us here when I say that. Everything you said makes absolutely no sense.”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s impossible to arm the unborn with weapons, ” Acosta said. “This sounds like something someone smoking a questionable substance would say. Or a crackpot who’s been listening to too much Alex Jones. Are you a crackpot, Mr. President?”

“No, I assure you I’m not a crackpot, nor have I been listening to Alex Jones.”

“But you’ve appeared on his show several times prior to becoming president, sir.”

“No, I haven’t. That’s fake news. Get him out of here. You’re fake news. CNN is fake news.”

Two secret service men escorted Acosta out the garden as the president continued:

“It is possible to arm the unborn, and we will arm them with specialized miniature guns just in case they need to protect themselves from baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them instead of having a bowl of Fruit Loops, or Coco Puffs, which they should be eating, instead of babies. We will provide them with Uzis, hand guns, AR-15s, machine guns, bullet proof vests, hand grenades, sub machine guns, rocket launchers, and yes, even nuclear weapons, and then baby hungry Democrats will think twice about having a bowl of Baby Coco Puffs for breakfast.”

Posted in Dana Loesch, NRA, satire/humor

Dana Loesch : “Where’s My Award For Being Beaten And Body Slammed By Gun Grabbing,Violent Leftists At CNN’s Town Hall?

Dana Loesch at CNN Town Hall, prior to getting beaten, body slammed, lynched, and burned at the stake by violent, gun grabbing leftists dressed as professional wrestlers.

When Dana Loesch found out that Anderson Cooper and CNN had received The prestigious Walter Cronkite award for excellence in journalism for its 2018 Town Hall on gun violence, she was so jealous that she recently appeared on Tucker Carlson Tonight to complain how shameful it was that she hadn’t received her own award for having her ass handed to her by the Parkland students.

Seriously, people, is this a joke?” the conservative pundit and NRA spokesperson, tweeted in reaction to the news.

Seriously, people, is this a joke? I think I deserve an award for all of the abuse I had to endure from the misguided students who were repeating everything the gun grabbing, legacy media told them to say, like screaming shame on you, and hang the b***h, instead of having a real conversation about how awesome the NRA and guns are.

“Honestly, I can’t believe that CNN was awarded the Walter Cronkite for excellence in political journalism when everyone there was so mean to me,” she told Carlson. “I was literally booed, shamed, spit on, hissed at, tarred and feathered, stoned, beaten to a bloody pulp, shot, stabbed, water boarded, drawn and quartered, gassed, fried to a crisp, boiled alive, staked, beheaded, torn to shreds, hanged, lynched, crucified, and finally, burned at the stake. Then they took my ashes, put them in jar, and pi**ed all over them. Does that sound like advancing the conversation to you, Tucker?”

Carlson : “It sounds like outright murder to me. It seems like the whole event was staged, and they were ready to murder you from the moment you walked through the door, rather than let you speak. So typical of the violent left.”

“I mean, seriously,” Loesch continued, “not only that, but there was a mob of people there who were dressed like professional wrestlers, carrying signs that said, ‘Kill The B***h Queen, and ‘Blame All Law Abiding Gun Owners For Mass Shootings! Confiscate Their Guns And Kill Them, Too!’ All of them carried nooses, too.

“When they noticed me eyeing them nervously, they all rushed the stage at once, screaming, ‘Burn the witch!’ and ‘Hang The B***h!’ Several people tried to stop them, but we’re unable to prevent them from getting up on stage. There were just too many of them, and they were determined to kill me. First they took turns body slamming me like professional wrestlers do, using their elbows to inflict unbearable pain and damage on me, and then they teamed up and kept pouncing and pouncing, and slamming and slamming, until I was literally a pancake. After they finished, they posed for pictures with each other with my flattened corpse on display between them, like fisherman posing with their catch. Most of the audience, including the Parkland students, were laughing and encouraging them to kill me, while only a few were actually horrified at how I was being treated.

“When they were finished with me,” she continued, “they took turns punishing the few that tried to stop them from manhandling me. They did the same things to them that they did to me. One of them was senator Marco Rubio. Earlier he had been asked by one of the students if he would continue to accept donations from the NRA. You could tell how angry they were when he told them no. They wanted to kill him on the spot, and take his guns. But I believe they were biding their time, probably waiting to kill me first, and then senator Rubio, probably hoping to make a spectacle and an example of both of us, which evidently they managed to accomplish. They finished me off, and those who tried to defend me, and then they went after Rubio, doing the exact same things to him that they did to me. And as I was leaving the building, an insane leftist charged me from behind, screaming she was going to kill me, and stuff my corpse in the barrel of my AR-15, but thank God someone was able stop this one.”

Carlson : “Unbelievable! Exactly when did all of this happen, Dana? As far as I know, CNN didn’t televise anyone getting body slammed, or flattened like a pancake, much less getting stoned, shot, or stabbed.”

“Well, of course not, Tucker. CNN was not about to show what their sham of a town hall was really all about, which was putting on a WWE style event, and pretending that it was all about guns and how dangerous they are, while humiliating me and law abiding gun owners, and trying to make us look like fools, but succeeding only in making themselves look like fools. All of this happened after the cameras were turned off, Tucker, because they didn’t want anyone to see how violent and unhinged the leftist, gun hating mobs are. If they had left the cameras rolling, everyone would have sided with the NRA, and would realize just how awesome guns really are.”

Carlson : “I totally agree. To put on a display of violence just days after a massacre, is despicable, and totally typical of the violent left.”

“That’s right, Tucker. But what bothers me more than anything else is, I should have won that award, not CNN. I showed up to prove how awesome guns are, and I believe that’s exactly what I did.”

Posted in Laura Ingraham, satire/humor

Laura Ingraham Suffers Breakdown Over Lamestream Media Criticism Of Melania Trump

http://insider.foxnews.com/2018/12/14/laura-ingraham-media-bashing-melania-trump-michelle-obama-could-do-no-wrong

Laura-Ingraham-4-9-18-1068x768.png
Laura Ingraham , smug , punk a** b***h

Conservatives often say liberals are the real snowflakes , who melt over the slightest politically correct offense. But on last Thursdays Ingraham Angle , Laura Ingraham , went into full melt down mode over CNN’s criticism of First Lady Melania Trump’s interview with Sean Hannity. According to anonymous witnesses at Fox News , some of their commentators are the most sensitive snowflakes in mainstream media.

In an earlier interview with Sean Hannity , Melania Trump criticized comedians , politicians , journalists , and Hollywood elites for using her family name to advance themselves.

“Let’s face it , Sean ,” she said. “No other first lady has been bullied more than me , and no other president has been hated more than my husband.”

CNN and other media commentators referred to the comments as a ‘meltdown’ by the first lady.

“You could tell Laura Ingraham was offended by CNN’s criticism of Melania Trump ,” an anonymous female witness told the Journal.

“I’ve never liked Laura. To me , she’s nothing more than an elitist snob , and most of the men , with the exception of Shepard Smith , and possibly Juan Williams , are nothing more than male chauvanist , elitist pricks , like Tucker Carlson , always whining about elitist liberal pricks. How’s that for irony?

“Like a lot of conservatives , because Laura’s conservative , she believes she’s superior to most people , especially liberals , which I believe is the reason for that smug attitude , like she believes it’s beneath her dignity to talk to anyone else , and I always felt the urge to punch her in the face. I’m not normally a confrontational person , but when pushed , I can be quite a handful. I once had a run in with Laura on the set. I won’t go into so many details , but it had to do with a disagreement we had about a certain subject.

” ‘You think you’re right , don’t you , huh girly?’ she said with that hateful smug look. ‘Right , huh , girly? Right? Right? What’s the matter , girly? Cat got your tongue?’

“She was obviously trying to egg me into some sort of confrontation , or a fight , but I wasn’t taking the bait.

” ‘You keep telling yourself that , Missy. Someday you’ll realize you were full of s**t ,’ she said before walking away.

“I never wanted to punch her in the face more than I did at that moment.

“Laura can’t stand it when people disagree with her. She always has to be right. To be a member of the Laura Ingraham fan club , you have to worship Trump and the Republican party , and defend them at every opportunity , and hate Obama , Democrats , and liberals , and bash them whenever convenient. And if you fail to do either one , she considered you her sworn enemy.

“Speaking to her co host , Howard Kurtz , Laura said , ‘I have to agree with her , Howard. No other first lady , I believe , has endured so much hatred as Melania Trump. Not even Michelle Obama. I mean , it’s appalling to me that the mainstream liberal media won’t admit it. Fox News is the only one pointing this stuff out.’ 

“You keep telling yourself that , you smug a** b***h ,” I thought to myself.

“Kurtz agreed. ‘Because she’s a first lady , who for the first time in eight years , who looks like a woman , they mock her accent , her clothes , her feet , her hair and the fact that she used to be a nude model. Despite that , she’s impeccable , flawless. She’s never once said she wasn’t proud of her country , that white folks were the real problem , or that slaves built the White House. Nothing is off limits to them. They hate her no matter what she says or does.’

“Not much of a difference from the way Moochelle was treated by conservatives , huh , Howie?

“Kurtz could on occasion be a smug a** b***h himself , but he wasn’t as infuriating as Ingraham was , and I never felt the urge to punch him in the face. But this time , the urge was overwhelming. He had just referred to Michelle Obama as a man , and that infuriated me. To me , Michelle Obama was more of a woman than Melania Trump could ever be. She had never melted down over the slightest criticism , and never disgraced herself or her position as first lady by posing nude in men’s magazines.

” ‘In contrast , Michelle Obama could do nothing right ,’ Ingraham said.

“Again I wanted to punch the smugness from her face.

” ‘She not only hated her country , had a problem with white people , and the White House , but she also looked masculine , and she often wore men’s clothing.’

“You lying , punk , smug a*** b***h , ” I thought.

” ‘Some people even said she was a man. I mean , everything about her was just the exact opposite of Melania Trump. Her hands and feet looked like they belonged on somebody like Shaquille O’Neal , or Bigfoot. Am I being too unkind? I’m told I’m being rude. Even her butt was too big. OK , let’s leave it at that.’

“Laura’s demeanor suddenly changed. In a matter of a few seconds her attitude went from insufferable smugness , to a mixture of anger and melancholy , but mostly sadness. She looked like she was about to start bawling at any moment. It happened so suddenly I wasn’t sure if it was real or if she was faking it.

” ‘Which is nothing compared to the way Melania is treated by the liberal media ,’ she cried , tears now starting to run down her face , causing her masscara to smear and run as well.

Her voice became more nasal than usual , and she punctuated the end of each sentence with a loud , wet , disgusting sniff , which was even more annoying , as if she were trying to suck the snot back in before it could start dribbling uncontrollably out her nostrils.

” ‘She doesn’t look masculine!’ Sniff! ‘She doesn’t wear men’s clothing!’ Sniff! ‘Her hands and feet aren’t too big!’ Sniff! ‘They don’t look like they belong on Shaquille O’Neal!’ Sniff! ‘Or Bigfoot!’ Sniff! ‘And her butt isn’t too big. ‘ Sniff! ‘But still , Howie , they won’t leave her alone. Why , oh why , Howie , won’t they leave her alone?!’

“She waited for Howie to answer , but when he failed to do so she gave the loudest , most disgusting sniff and started bawling uncontrollably.

“I knew she wasn’t faking it the moment I saw Howie’s reaction. Howie sat there staring at her , not sure how to respond , apparently shaken by her outburst.

“She repeated the question , word for word , the exact way she nearly screamed it at Howie , only this time punctuating each word by pounding on her desk with both fists. The desk shook violently with each blow. When the first blow landed , Howie looked so startled that he jumped almost a foot off his seat. Everyone in the place was staring at her. No one had ever seen her behave this way before. Which wasn’t just unexpected , it was also funny. Hilariously funny.

“She continued to blubber uncontrollably , swaying ever so slightly in her seat , as everyone , including Howie , the camera men , and myself stared at her. She seemed oblivious to everything except her blubbering , which was embarrassing to watch. I always knew Laura was a bit of a snowflake at heart , but this was beyond embarrassing. It was ridiculous.

“Howard finally spoke. ‘Laura , you alright?’

“Laura didn’t answer. She continued to blubber , swaying in her seat , as if she were in a trance or something. Her shoulders heaved with her sobs. Her face was streaked comically with mascarra and tears , and snot bubbled from her nostrils. It was no use trying to suck it back in now.

“She was behaving far worse than my three year old daughter when she didn’t get her way. My daughter could be excused. There was no excuse for Laura behaving this way.

” ‘It’s not fair , Howie ,’ she mumbled. ‘Why won’t they leave her alone?’ She was starting to calm down a bit. ‘Somebody get me a tissue.’

“Nobody wanted to get her a tissue. Howard shoved a box of tissues at her. ‘Laura , snap out of it , ‘ he said. ‘You’re making a fool of yourself.’

“Laura acted as if she hadn’t heard him. She snatched a tissue from the dispenser. She attempted to wipe her nose , but her hand was shaking so badly that she smeared snot all over her face. For a moment she stared at the tissue , then she burst out bawling again.

“From that moment onward , things went from bad to worse for Laura Ingraham , and I can’t say that I felt sorry for her.

“She cried so hard and long after failing to wipe her nose , that she finally fell out of her seat. I knew it was coming. It was inevitable. After all that blubbering , she was bound to hit the floor , and hit it she did , with a solid thump that was so loud that everyone rushed to her side to see if she had injured herself. I thought she might have hit her head on the floor when she fell.

” ‘Laura , are you hurt?’ Howard said. But Laura continued to babble ‘It’s so unfair ,’ over and over again.

“Jesus Christ , ” I said , shaking my head.

” ‘Jesus Christ , ‘ Howard said.

” ‘Jesus Christ ,’ the two camera operators said in unison.

” ‘What the f**k is her problem?’ One of them asked.

“Laura had suffered a breakdown apparently due to her reaction to media criticism of Melania Trump , whom Laura believes is perfect and can do no wrong. Of course , this is just speculation on my part. Other factors may be involved. But that’s what I believe happened. After more than two years of pent up anger , she had finally snapped , and to make matters worse , she had done it during prime time on live TV , making a complete fool of herself. But if I know Laura , she’ll try to spin the situation to her advantage.

“Will the producers cancel her show , or fire her for making a spectacle of herself and the network? One can only hope so. Or , as with Jeanine Pirro , will they be spineless cowards and allow her to continue embarrassing them?

“Whatever happens , Laura Ingraham is an evil b***h , who deserves to be fired.”

Posted in president Trump, satire/humor

Democrats Propose Legislation To Build A Wall Around President Trump

An artists rendition  of Trump Tower 2

Democrats in the senate have come up with an idea they’ve been considering since before president Trump took office. To troll the president by proposing legislation to build a wall around him , and have his supporters and Republicans pay for it.

Throughout his 2016 campaign , president Trump said he would build a wall along the southern border and have Mexico pay for it. But as of 2018 nothing has come of it and many of his supporters have given up hope of seeing it come to fruition.

“We’ve been wanting to do this since 2016 , since president Trump started babbling about his ridiculous wall ,” senator Elizabeth Warren told CNN’s Erin Burnett. “It actually makes more sense than a border wall , which is too idiotic to even consider and would cost taxpayers billions. But this would be a hell of a lot more economically feasible , and would literally cost only a few hundred.”

“I have to admit that it sounds interesting in theory ,” Burnett said. “But it could never be done. President Trump would never allow anyone to build a wall around him.”

The following day , a small crowd of less than one hundred gathered outside the White House , chanting , ‘Build…the… wall! Build…the…wall! Some carried signs that read , Build The Wall … Around Trump , Mexico Will Pay For It. Other signs read , Build A Wall Around Trump Supporters! Mexico Will Pay For That Too!

Watching the CNN interview with senator Warren , and the protest on Fox , his favorite news channel , president Trump tweeted :

Saw the ridiculous interview with senator Pocahontas on CNN with Erin Burnett talking about building a wall around me and forcing my supporters to pay for it. Totally fake news!!

Also saw my supporters on Fox News outside the White House offering to build a great magnificent wall around me and my wonderful supporters to protect us , while Mexico pays for it. Totally real news!! The most trusted name in news. Thank you Mexico. Really looking forward to that wall! Already thought of a name for it : Trump Tower 2. Everyone’s invited to the grand opening!

Posted in Dana Loesch, satire/humor

NRA Spokesperson Dana Loesch , On Hannity : Gun Confiscation Will Cause Mass Spoonings

DL2
“When the left succeeds in banning guns , then they’ll come for our spoons.”

Dana Loesch is a conservative radio and media commentator , and NRA spokesperson. According to her Wikipedia page , she is the current special assistant to the executive vice president for public relations for the NRA , a position she has held since 2017.

She is listed at number 888 in the Encyclopedia Of American Loons.

Before becoming an NRA spokesperson , she hosted the daily show , Dana , at Glenn Beck’s The Blaze , from 2014 to late 2017.

She’s previously written for Breibart’s Big Journalism , and was employed briefly at CNN , but was released for questionable behavior. Since 2008 she’s been the host of the Dana Radio Show , The Conservative Alternative.

She is known for making controversial statements , such as the time she said how cool it would be to drop her trousers to urinate on the bodies of dead Taliban soldiers. Other controversies include , attacking mainstream media journalists as ‘rat bastards of the earth’ , and ‘a boil on the backside of American politics’ , and should be ‘curbed stomped’ for dishonesty in reporting ( apparently , Dana , and her cronies over at Fox News , and NRA TV are lone beacons of truth , honesty , and accuracy in media ) ; claiming that spoons can be classified as assault weapons ; accusing liberals of marching in lock step with terrorists , after the 2016 Inland Empire shooting spree , labeling them the Godless Left for having the audacity to mock thoughts and prayers of cowardly politicians ; attacking the New York Times for its dishonesty and mediocrity ( again with no self-awareness of her own faults ) ; accusing mainstream media of loving mass shootings after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas school shooting , and claiming that hordes of angry leftists attempted to stone her at a CNN town hall meeting in which she barely escaped alive.

On a recent episode of Hannity , Dana doubled down on her analogy that a spoon can be used as an assault weapon. They were talking about gun control , and how the March For Our Loves activists were being used by the Left to advance their gun confiscation agenda.

“You know , Sean ,” she said , “this whole March For Our Lives nonsense smells of Obama and the Democrats. We know they hate guns and will stop at nothing to make sure that every single gun in America is confiscated.”

Sean Hannity : “What are you saying , Dana? Are you saying that the whole thing , that the shooting was a false flag , a staged event to take away guns?”

“No , Sean , that not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying that the March For Our Lives are probably being manipulated by Obama and the Dems. I wouldn’t doubt for a minute that this so-called movement was Obama’s idea. I don’t doubt that he put them up to it. He couldn’t confiscate guns when he was president , so he’s hoping that they’ll be the ones to make his dream come true.”

Sean Hannity : “Good point , Dana. But for a moment there , I thought you might straying into Alex Jones territory.”

Dana , smiling , said ,”Alex Jones is a crackpot , Sean. I’m not. But I’ll tell you something that’s not so crazy. People are killed by cars every year , but nobody talks about banning cars. People are killed by trains every year and nobody talks about banning trains. People are killed by dangerous drugs every year , including marijuana , and nobody talks about banning drugs , including marijuana. Video games kill people every year , and nobody talks about banning video games. The point I’m trying to make here , Sean , is that people are killed by a million things every year , and it’s stupid to want to ban everything.

“You know , Sean , a few years back when I suggested that a spoon could be used as an assault weapon , the mainstream media thought it was a joke. They thought I was a joke. But they’re the joke , because I was right. I’m a gun expert. And because I’m a gun expert , that makes me a spoon expert. So , believe me when I say a spoon really can be used as an weapon to murder people. They also thought it was a big deal when I said that they love mass shootings because it boosts their ratings.”

Hannity : “Yeah , liberal heads literally exploded. Kapow!”

“That’s right , Sean. But what I should have said was they love mass spoonings , because that’s what’s going to happen if the Parkland students , Democrats , and Obama get their way and ban the second amendment. We’re going to see an epidemic of mass spoonings the likes of which we’ve never seen , because there won’t be anymore guns , and when enough people have been killed by spoons , the left will demand background checks on spoon purchases , and then they will march to ban spoons and other kitchen utensils.”