Posted in satire/humor, Tomi Lahren

Tomi And The Snowflakes

 Since her departure from One America News , and joining The Blaze Network , Tomi Lahren has become a social media phenomenon. She is best known for her outrageous opinions that very seldom have any grounding in reality or fact. Some of these opinions are so outrageous , such as comparing the civil rights group Black Lives Matter to the modern-day KKK , they have managed to piss people off , and have earned her monikers like White Privilege Barbie , Nazi Barbie , and Aryan Snowflake. Some People have even took to twitter to troll her by purposefully mispronouncing her name.

Some of her other outrageously ridiculous statements include , former president Obama had a friendly to jihadis mentality , meaning he was weak on terrorism ( apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Obama’s foreign policy included droning seven different places around the world in the war on terror ) because he would not utter the phrase , ‘radical Islamic terrorism’ that Ms. Lahren and her fans were so desperate to hear , because saying so would apparently eliminate the jihadi threat to America.

During a recent visit to ABC’s The View , Tomi admitted that as a Conservative she is pro-choice , and called other Conservatives who called themselves pro-life , hypocrites. That was a mistake in the Conservative circle , which got the feisty commentator into hot water with her employer , Glenn Beck. He promptly suspended her , then fired her. Now , the two are suing each other , or have sued each other … whatever.

But supposedly there have been other reasons behind Tomi’s departure from The Blaze Network. According to an article in the Daily Caller , Tomi’s declaration of pro-choice and calling Conservatives hypocrites , was the “final straw in her relationship with The Blaze Network.”  Without naming any sources , the article claims she was rude to her co-workers , argued with several people over controversial views she had expressed , treated assistants like they were slaves , wanting them to always warm her butt pad for her , and cared more about creating controversy than being honest. Also , according to the article , she wasn’t especially fond of Dana Loesch , and went out of her way to avoid her.

Tomi appeared on a recent episode of the Alex Jones Show to set the record straight on the reasons behind her departure from the Blaze Network.

Alex : “Welcome to the show , ladies and gentlemen. I’m Alex Jones , your host for the number one show in Texas , America , and around the world. My guest on today’s show is Tammy Loren – “

Tomi : “Tomi. Tomi Lahren.”

Alex : “Whatever. Ms. Lowen has written several books. White people : The New Victims Of racism In The Age Of Obama , and Obama Wants To Eat Your Guns. Her latest is Tomi And The Snowflakes , which is scheduled for release sometime this Summer by Trump’s Not A Racist And He Loves America Unlike That Other President , Publishing , reveals the events behind her departure from The Blaze , which includes plenty of drama , cat fights , and verbal name calling. Just the kind of drama her fans have come to expect.

“Alright , I’ve read the book , Timmy – “

Tomi : “Tomi.”

Alex : “When my producer gave me a copy of the book , at first I thought it was about a new female rock group or something. Anyway ,  for those who are listening to the show and haven’t yet read it , why don’t you give a short summary of what it’s about.”

Tomi : “The book is about a group of special snowflakes at The Blaze who had a melt down when I called them hypocrites , among other things.”

Alex : “Lonnie – “

Tomi : “Tomi.”

Alex : “Whatever. In the book you discuss several particularly interesting incidents  in detail , such as an encounter with Dana Letch – I probably mispronounced it , I’m not very good with names – who you several times refer to as a bitch , a skank , and a ‘ho’ , and also an embarrassing encounter with Stu Burger , or Booger – ”

Tomi : “Burguiere.”

Alex : “What is that , a french name or something?”

Tomi : “I really don’t know.”

Alex : “It sounds like the french version of the word booger.”

Tomi : “It could be. I have no idea.”

Glenn and Stu ( Sue ). Still a happy couple.

Alex : “Doesn’t really matter. Still sounds like booger to me. Anyway , this guy Stu , or Sue , or whatever his , or her name is , had sex reassignment surgery a few years back , and has been pretending to be a girl , or a guy , or a transvestite , or whatever , ever since. Right? But what’s even more embarrassing is that – and most of Glenn Beck’s viewers don’t even know this , because they’re all so stupid , which is even more embarrassing , and what’s even more embarrassing is that he’s even more stupid than they are – Glenn , and this Stu , or Sue fella , or whatever , have been married for some time now. Yes , that’s right ladies and gentlemen , Glenn Beck actually divorced his second wife to marry a transvestite! I’m not making this stuff up. I wish I was , but I’m not. Who would have thought that Glenn Beck actually has a thing for gay transvestites? Some really bizarre stuff is going on over there at The Blaze. Isn’t that right , Connie?”

Tomi : “Tomi. It’s Tomi , Alex.”

Alex : “Isn’t that what I said?”

Tomi : “No , you’ve gotten my name wrong four times now.”

Alex : “I’m sorry , Suzi. I’m not trying to be rude or anything. It’s just that I’m not very good with names. They all sound the same to me.”

Tomi : “You can’t tell the difference between Tomi and Timmy?”

Alex : “Tomi , Timmy , what’s in a name? They all sound the same.”

Tomi : “Not to me.”

Alex : “Whatever you say , Ronny. Anyway , like I said , some weird stuff is happening at The Blaze , am I right?”

Tomi : ( Rolls eyes ) “Right.”

Alex : “According to the book , Dana Leech was always crapping up a wind storm  when she was around you , because you knew she hated you , and she knew you hated her too?”

Dana Loesch , angry harpy.

Tomi : “That’s right. I couldn’t stand her for several reasons. For one ,  she was always bragging about her so-called native American heritage , which is like 00.00 percent or something – native heritage , my ass – which I always thought was BS , and I told her so once , which set her off. I called her chief Shitting Bull , and she went ballistic. Her eyes bugged out and she said if I ever called her that again , she would sit on me and use my face for a toilet. Another reason I couldn’t stand her was because she always acted like a big shot. She would wear dark glasses and a fur coat every day before she filmed her show , because she was jealous that my show got higher ratings than hers , and she couldn’t stand it , and by wearing a fur coat and glasses , I knew she was trying to mock me. But what infuriated her the most was the fact that I had a butt pad and she didn’t. She was always jealous of the fact that I had a butt pad because my show was more popular than hers. The reason she didn’t have a butt pad is because no one liked her as much as they liked me , which is the reason I got a butt pad and she didn’t. And my butt is perkier and cuter than hers , and needs a butt pad to warm it up. Dana has the butt of a sixty year old woman , and no butt pad would keep that saggy ass of hers from sagging. I mean , look at it. Mine. Not her’s.”

She stood up and jiggled it like a teenager participating in a bikini contest. “Isn’t that the cutest , perkiest butt you ever did see?”

Alex getting excited watching Tomi shake her cute , perky butt.

Alex : ( Blushing ) “Uh … yeah , Ms. Lahren. Very nice Terry , I mean Timmy , I mean Tomi ! Please sit down. My producer’s getting excited.”

Tomi : “That BS about me being jealous of her , was nothing but BS. I was the one that got more attention because my butt is perkier and cuter than hers , and she couldn’t stand it. Dana always had to be the center of attention , because she’s a whiny-attention-seeking crybaby snowflake.”

Alex : “Also according to the book , you told her she looked like a horse , and that you spread a rumor that she was really a guy in drag , like that Stu , or Sue fella?”

Tomi : “That’s right , Alex. When I told her she had a face like a horse , her eyes bugged out , and she screamed , ‘What did you call me , you skank?’ I said , ‘You look like Mr. Ed’s wife!’ She screamed like a harpy again , grabbed a handful of my hair , threw me on the ground , and farted several times in my face. I mean , God , it was disgusting. I wanted to vomit. It stank like a skunk had invaded the studio. She really knew how to stink up the place. I felt like I was going to die from the stench , but at last Glenn came and pulled her off me. This was during a break in a taping of my show Final Thoughts , back in December. But the time I said she looked like a transvestite , that was even worse. Not only did she fart in my face again , she literally crapped her pants. And this time I did almost die from the stench. In fact , I actually barfed. But this time nobody had to pull her off me , because she was so embarrassed , she ran off holding onto the seat of her pants. She never bothered me again after that , I think because she was afraid I would tell someone , anyone. When the book is published , she’ll probably try to sue me , but I don’t care. I hope she gets laughed out of court. But she did tell  Stu that I said he looked like a gay frog , which I never did , and he also farted in my face. But I did say that she – Dana – looked like Sue when he – I mean she – was pretending to be Stu. And he farted in my face again. She also told Glenn that I once came on to Stu , and they both farted in my face. 

“And that was how I really got fired from The Blaze. It had absolutely nothing  to do with my coming out as pro-choice , or calling Conservatives hypocrites. It had everything to do with the fact my butt is cuter and perkier , and more popular than all of their sagging , old fart assess put together.”

 

Advertisements
Posted in Liberal Logic 101, Stupid Conservative memes

Stupid Conservative Memes #54 Liberal Logic 101 Edition

Aviary Photo_131388482011075344

Racist Conservative Media Rules For Guns And Blame …     

1) If a white person shoots black people , as Dylann Roof did , don’t blame the white guy. Don’t assume all white people are racist. Don’t assume Roof’s actions represent a white supremacist ideology. Don’t assume his actions represent an entire group of people – white. Blame libtards , Democrats , Barack Obama. They’re the real racists.

2) “If a Christian terrorist shoots up a Planned Parenthood facility and kills three people , don’t blame Christians. Don’t assume Robert Dear’s actions represent an entire religion. Don’t assume decades of anti-abortion propaganda and rhetoric had anything to do with it , like Bill O’Reilly referring to George Tiller , as Tiller the baby killer , or that Margret Sanger’s purpose for creating PP was to exterminate black babies. Instead ,  Blame libtards , Democrats , and Barack Obama , since they support abortion rights , and without this mentality , it never would have happened. Or better yet , blame those filthy libtard transgenders.”

3) “If an American Muslim shoots and kills forty-nine gay people in a night club , blame Islam and all Muslims. Don’t blame Christian anti-gay propaganda ; it had absolutely nothing to do with it. Unlike fundamentalist Islam , Christians  don’t have anti-gay bigot extremists on their side ,  people like Kevin Swanson , and Scott Lively , who want to kill gay people , or thousands of others who call themselves Christians who also believe gay people should be exterminated like rats.”
For years Conservative Christians attacked Barack Obama for his attendance in Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s Chicago church. And yet the media , and especially the Conservative media have failed to hold Republican politicians , like Ted Cruz , and Mike Huckabee , and Christian groups like The Family Research Council , and The American Family Association , accountable for their anti-gay bigotry. If these same politicians believe Barack Obama is an anti-white racist simply for attending a church that was mostly black , then Republican politicians must also be held to the same standards  for their attendance at The National Religious Liberties Convention organized by pastor Kevin Swanson who has advocated for the deaths of homosexuals. By appearing at these types of events , we must assume that they too believe  gay people should be put to death. These people are Christians – allegedly – and believe the bible is the literal word of God.

4) “If someone shoots a Democrat , as in the case of Jared Loughner , shooting Gabrielle Gifford’s  , don’t blame the NRA for its support of mass gun proliferation. Don’t blame the Republican party for being bought off by the NRA , for betraying the American people , voting against any gun control after every shooting , but instead offering their meaningless prayers. Blame Democrats , libtards , and Barack Obama , because they supported gun control , and wanted to take everyone’s guns away.”    

5) “If a Christian shoots a Muslim , as white supremacist Alexandre Bissonette did , again don’t blame all white people , and don’t blame Christians. There is  no such thing as a white Christian terrorist. Only Muslims are terrorists. Only Muslims kill in the name of their religion or in the name of God.”
After this joker killed six Muslims in a Quebec mosque , initial reports , led by the race baiting Conservative media , identified the shooter as a Moroccan foreigner , because , of course , only Muslims are terrorists. And according to Alex Jones , it was a false flag – why? who really knows – and Bissonette must have converted to Islam before he decided to kill them , which only makes sense to Jones’ fans. 

6) “When a black person shoots a cop , especially a white cop , blame all black people. Blame libtards , Democrats , Barack Obama , and especially Black Lives Matter.”
The five Dallas officers , the Baton Rouge , and the New York police officers. Their deaths were the fault of Barack Obama and Black Lives Matter because – according to the racist Conservative media – of a ( non-existent ) race war  against cops.
Even the deaths of two Iowa police officers , Justin Martin , and Tony Beminio ,  by a white supremacist , Scott Greene , were blamed on Obama , and Black Lives Matter , by racist twitter trolls.

“Any other shooting , don’t blame guns. Don’t blame the NRA. Guns don’t kill people. Gun free zones do. Shooting victims get themselves killed for being unarmed. If anyone is to blame , it’s libtards , Democrats , Barack Obama , and Black Lives Matter.

Posted in Conservative Correctness, Political Correctness

Politically Correct Terms Conservatives Love … Part 2

aviary-photo_131235610742691760

 Conservatives are helpless victims , forever bullied by liberals and progressives who want to shut down their free speech … or so they want you to believe. The truth is , Conservatives oppose political correctness because they want to treat anyone they don’t like as badly as they can without consequence. In other words , they would rather be assholes.

The following are ten more politically correct terms used by Conservatives to portray themselves as victims while smearing their opponents.

  1. Obama/liberal/progressive/government hating radical = “Patriot.” Recently Conservatives all over America demonstrated what fragile pussies hypocrites they really are when a football player by the name of Colin Kaepernick made the choice not to stand during the National Anthem , because he wanted to call attention to the fact that racism and police brutality against minorities is still a very real problem. Why he was refusing to stand , was completely ignored. Instead attention was focused on the  absurd notion that he hates America , and was being disrespectful to military personnel. The irony or hypocrisy in this situation is that Conservatives see no problem with  slandering liberals , Democrats , or the current president as un-American , and accusing them of treasonous or subversive behavior. The president is the commander-in-chief. When anyone disrespects him , they’re disrespecting all military personnel , including those who fought for their freedom to be assholes. But because it’s Obama , that rule doesn’t apply with Conservatives.
    There was a time when the word patriot meant something. It meant addressing grievances in a peaceful manner , through marching in the streets , writing those who are supposed to represent us. But today , in the age of Obama , Conservatives have twisted it’s meaning. It’s no longer about protesting peacefully. It’s about hating and slandering the current president and Democrats as being sympathetic to communism , to terrorists ; treating armed insurgents as true patriots , and those who do protest peacefully , as un-American. 
  2.  “Terrorist” = Person of color , whether they are Islamic radicals , or members of Black Lives Matter who protest peacefully. Recently Tomi Lahren of The Blaze Network embarrassed herself when she tweeted a comparison of Black Lives matter to the KKK. Apparently they’ve been roaming the country lynching white people because they want to overthrow white dominance. Systemic racism has nothing to do with it , nor does the fact that there just might be a real problem with racism in law enforcement. Black people  want to riot because it’s just how they are. Again , the irony here is that people like Lahren and those who listen to her , refuse to believe that Christians can be radicalized by their religion. But there have been plenty of cases where Conservative Christians have committed acts of terror in the name of not only God but anti-government rhetoric.
  3. “Cop hater” = Anyone who criticizes a police officer’s criminal behavior ( as if they can do no wrong ) , such as the shootings or murders of black individuals ,  like Michael Brown , Freddie Gray , and Eric Garner , or daring to suggest that cops should wear body cameras.  Ironically , Obama was accused of hating cops after the Dallas police shootings for making sane , rational statements condemning the killings. In the Conservative bubble where fiction is often regarded as fact , Obama hates law enforcement because … something. 
  4. “Lone Wolf” = a term Conservatives and the media use to describe anti-government , or white supremacist shooters.  Last year Dylan Roof walked into a black church in Charleston , SC , and murdered nine people. Roof . a known racist , confessed that he did it because he hoped it would start a race war. But the main stream Conservative media attempted to make it appear as if race had nothing to do with it. The message : when a shooter is a radical Muslim , all Muslims are accountable and are terrorists by default. But  a white Conservative shooter who has been radicalized by anti-government or anti-black hatred ,  that person is not considered a terrorist but a “lone wolf” with mental issues.
  5. “Traitor” =  A favorite word Conservatives love to throw at liberals , especially those who support the current president. Obama himself has been accused of treason for his executive orders ( which Conservatives have absurdly described as lawless behavior , comparing him to a dictator ; they didn’t seem to mind Bush’s lawless behavior ) ; same-sex marriage ; Benghazi ( a non scandal ) ; the Iran Deal ( which Conservatives have falsely claimed would allow Iran to develop a nuclear weapon ) ; aiding ISIS ( also absurd since the U.S. is currently at war with them ) ; executive action on amnesty for illegal immigrants ( which was blocked by Republicans and the Supreme Court ) ; weakening the military ( another absurd claim ) ; legal abortion ; the non Ebola crises ; Fast And Furious ( another non scandal ) ; the imaginary war on Christianity ( it doesn’t matter that he’s a Christian , he still hates them  ) ; the imaginary war on Christmas ; gun control ( even though he hasn’t grabbed a single gun ) ;  and perhaps the most absurd claim of all , his hatred of America.  You name it , the Republican Party and their rabid supporters have had a hard on for impeachment for eight years.  Are any of these impeachable offenses? Well , they are to those who hate Obama with a passion  and are unable to distinguish fantasy from reality.
  6. Race- baiter” = Anyone black or white ( preferably black ) who attempts to talk about racial discrimination against minorities. This was evident during the Ferguson and Baltimore riots and protests as the Conservative and much of mainstream media bent over backward to defend police brutality and blame the black community for the bad behavior of certain cops , and accusing Obama , Jesse Jackson , Al Sharpton , and the so-called liberal media of inciting  racial tension as a means of attempting to start a race war. Anger over the killings of Michael Brown , Freddie Gray , Eric Garner , and the failure of the justice system to convict the officers involved in their deaths , and charge them at least with involuntary manslaughter , apparently didn’t play a role in these situations. Black people are just animals and look for any excuse to riot. 
  7. “Bigot” = Another  word Conservatives love to use to accuse liberals or anyone who opposes anti-gay bigotry. It’s also used to besmirch and demean the reputation of non believers. Some Christians view all atheists as bigots , and believe they want to suppress their religious freedom. But most atheists are not bigoted because they do not seek to stifle , ban , or outlaw religious freedom. Many Conservative Christians however do wish and have supported the efforts of Republican politicians to discriminate against gay citizens under the guise of “religious freedom”, and are by definition ,  bigots. 
  8. “Militant atheists” = See bigot.
  9. “Militant homosexual” = A gay activist who advocates for the advancement and ethical treatment of other gay individuals. 
  10. “Racist” = A black person , liberal , or anyone who complains about the unethical treatment of minorities. Because anti-black racism no longer exists in the age of Obama. See also race-baiter.    
Posted in Tomi Lahren

Dumb Blonde Shreds Colin Kaepernick In Epic Rant : Again Says What Other Idiots Are Thinking

aviary-photo_131178641588119406
“Why do you black people have to keep talking about race? There’s no racism in America! Don’t you know there’s a black president in the White House?! The only racists are Barack Obama , liberals , Democrats  , and you black people who keep complaining about getting shot by white cops!”

First it was blame president Obama for terrorism after the Chattanooga  military base shooting , when she made the absurd claim that he has a friendly to Muslim jihadis mentality.

Then it was  blame Beyonce for her “racist attack against white people and cops” during her performance at this years Superbowl.

Then it was blame Jesse Williams for a non-existent war on cops when he gave his acceptance speech for the Black Entertainment Award , in which he talked about police brutality against the black community , earlier this year.    

Then it was back to blaming president Obama for the Orlando night club shooting , claiming we are divided  more than ever because Obama refuses to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism.”

Then , once again , it was back to blaming Obama for the shootings of the police officers in Baton Rogue , and Dallas , and comparing the Black Lives Matter movement to the KKK.

Then yet again , Obama was to blame for the flooding in Louisiana last week , with the absurd claim that Trump cared more about the victims than the president did. 

Is there anything this woman hasn’t blamed on Obama , liberals , Democrats , and Black Lives Matter?

Now Tomi and the anti-PC crowd have another reason to get their panties wadded into a bunch. Another black person had the audacity to criticize Tomi’s perfect vision of America. Colin Kaepernick decided he would sit out the National Anthem before a preseason game against the Green Bay Packers to protest police brutality against minorities. The Conservative response to this was predictable. They lost their ever-loving minds , completely disregarding the point of his protest , and instead attacked him on twitter , accusing him being unpatriotic , and of hating America  , telling him that he should find another country to call home. Some even used racial slurs. 

In Tomi’s world , anyone who questions her lily-white version of America , where black and white folk are always treated fairly and equally , where no racial discrimination ever takes place ( because there is now a black president in the White House ) , anyone who criticizes the status quo , are un-American , unpatriotic and must get out. There’s no room for disagreement , no room for dissent , no room for discussion. This is the Conservative mind-set. Agree with me , or get the hell out. America , love it or leave it. These people are the biggest fucking hypocrites. It wasn’t that long ago when the Dixie Chicks were in the news for criticizing George Bush and the Iraq war. All it took was for Natalie Maines to say , “We don’t want this war , and we’re ashamed that George Bush is from the state of Texas.” Immediately they were branded as unpatriotic , as traitors. Their records were burned , their music was pulled from radio stations all over America. People were ready to lynch them.   

In 2016 , we have self-proclaimed political experts like Tomi Lahren , Glen Beck , Rush Limbaugh , Sarah Palin , Janine Pirro ,  Pamela Geller , and Allen West – people with no credibility , or political expertise – accusing the current president of treason , of having a friendly to jihadis mentality , of siding with radical Islamic terrorists , blaming him for every mass shooting , blaming him for their hatred and racism. There is no accountability with these people. They are allowed to say whatever they want , whether it’s true or not. They can slander Democrats , liberals , and the president with impunity, and no one holds them accountable. If it were Democrats or liberals questioning the motives and the loyalty of a Republican president , Conservatives would be demanding an apology , demanding that they be fired.  

Bush’s critics were accused of treason , but Obama’s critics , many of whom have engaged in far more than harmless criticism , are patriots. 

Whether Kaepernick was disrespectful to America and the flag is debatable. The point is he was – and still is – at least attempting to make an effort to address something that white Conservatives like Lahren would rather sweep under the rug. That systemic and individual racism exists. That some black people have been killed by police officers for committing no crimes , and in many cases those police officers have not been punished. That the criminal justice system is basically rigged against minorities. That both blacks and whites when arrested for the same crimes , blacks are far more likely to be arrested , and receive longer sentences.  

This isn’t something that Tomi Lahren , or others like her will ever tell their audience. Because they’re not interested in facts , or data. Their only interest is to tell them what they want to hear : that everything wrong in America is the fault of liberals , Democrats , black people , and Barack Obama. And that it’s justifiable to be more outraged over an athlete exercising his right to protest , than the murder of a twelve-year-old boy playing with a toy gun.         

 

Posted in Tomi Lahren

Tomi Lahren : White Privilege Barbie

Aviary Photo_131131680735481062
“You black people have it so easy. Stop talking about racism. I don’t want to hear it.”

  Meet Tomi Lahren. She’s the new White Privilege Barbie. She’s currently employed by The Blaze network , where Truth Definitely Does Not Live.

Recently Tomi tweeted something stupid and insulting about the Black Lives Matter movement , calling them the New KKK , and that their goal was not equality. Intelligent people with common sense , called her out , while those who have no sense , common or otherwise , agreed with her , and praised her as if she made any sense at all.

In Tomi’s world , the world inhabited by many like her , racism no longer exists in America , because a black man currently resides in the White House. The only racism that Tomi sees is reverse racism. In this case , Black Lives Matter , and black people in general who complain about other black people getting shot or killed by law enforcement for no good reason.  People like Michael Brown , who was shot with his hands in the air , or Eric Garner who was choked to death for selling cigarettes , Freddy Gray who’s spine was severed , and Tamir Rice who was shot for playing with a toy gun.

She either doesn’t see , or chooses to ignore the racism that many in the black community face every day. The individual and institutional racism prevalent in law enforcement , the criminal justice system , housing , employment , and education. When black actors , athletes , and politicians claim that this is an issue in their community , people like Tomi accuse them of race-baiting.

The only racism Tomi sees is against white people who have , since the first election of a black president , somehow become the new victims of racism.

What a sad world Tomi lives in , a world inside her own head , where Black Lives Matter is like the New KKK , and are a terrorist hate group because they want law enforcement to be held accountable.