Posted in Donald Trump, satire/humor

President Trump Signs Executive Order To Arm The Unborn

Trump ordering secret service to remove Jim Acosta from press conference

 

President Trump has signed an executive order to arm the unborn!

In a press conference in the Rose Garden, the president told news reporters, “I have just signed an executive order that authorizes anyone involved in the decision to provide an abortion, to refuse according to their religious or personal beliefs that an abortion is wrong. It also gives arms and weapons manufacturers, Smith And Wesson, Lockheed, Winchester, and others, full authority to assist in the making of specialized weaponry for the purpose of arming the unborn.

“The presidential executive order grants Doctors, nurses, patient and family advisors, full authority to refuse in assisting or taking part in the act of providing an abortion based on religious or personal beliefs that life is sacred. It also grants the unborn full protective status as human beings, as it is outlined in the fourteenth amendment. And as protected citizens, they have the right to arm themselves and shoot the Democrats when they come to pull them from their mother’s wombs.

“Like many Americans, I believe that life begins at reception. Even before you have that first cigarette, there’s another person in the room and you better be careful not to talk about aborting little Timmy, or Sally, because you might hurt their feelings. We need to start treating the unborn like everyone else. That means they should have the right to defend themselves in the event that their precious little lives are threatened baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them for breakfast, instead of having a pop tart or a bowl of Fruity Pebbles or something, and what better way to do that than giving them Uzis and AK-47s? If they had Uzis and AK-47s, the baby hungry Democrats would not be able to eat them, and sell their baby body parts, because, let’s be honest here, what do you do when someone is invading your home, your private property?”

“You shoot them!” Someone shouted from the crowd, eliciting nervous laughter.

“That’s right, ” the president said. “You shoot them. And then you ask them why they broke into your house. If it’s a Mexican, chances are he’s an illegal immigrant, and most likely he would be there to rob you, rape you, kill you, and then steal your job. Chances are it’s all four. If it’s a homosexual, chances are he’s there to convert you, and if you refuse because you’re a conservative, he’ll probably call you a homophobe just because you don’t like gay marriage and want to get rid of it. If it’s a gun grabbing liberal, chances are he’s there to steal your guns like Obama did. If it’s a trans gender, chances are he’s there to use you’re bathroom , and if you tell him – or her, or whatever – no, he’ll call you a transphobe, or whatever made up word they’ve labeled people who don’t believe transsexuals are a thing, and then, for good measure, he’ll probably rob you and then use your bathroom.

“We have the right to protect our property and ourselves with a gun if we choose. When someone invades our privacy, when someone breaks into our home, we have the right to shoot them. It’s in the Bible, and it’s in the constitution. Well, I believe the unborn should have those same rights, because the womb is their home until they’re born, so they have a right to defend it from crazy Democrats who would rather eat babies for breakfast than have a bowl of Wheaties or something. These are deplorable people, the Democrats. They’ve been eating Coco Puffs their entire lives and now they want to eat babies. They were cuckoo for regular Coco Puffs. Now they’re cuckoo for Baby Flavored Coco Puffs.”

CNN correspondent Jim Acosta was the first to raise his hand. President Trump pointed at him reluctantly.

“Don’t get crazy on me, Jim, or I’ll have you tossed out on your can.”

There was scatter nervous laughter.

“Yes, sir. First of all, I’m at a complete loss for words. I believe I speak for most of us here when I say that. Everything you said makes absolutely no sense.”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s impossible to arm the unborn with weapons, ” Acosta said. “This sounds like something someone smoking a questionable substance would say. Or a crackpot who’s been listening to too much Alex Jones. Are you a crackpot, Mr. President?”

“No, I assure you I’m not a crackpot, nor have I been listening to Alex Jones.”

“But you’ve appeared on his show several times prior to becoming president, sir.”

“No, I haven’t. That’s fake news. Get him out of here. You’re fake news. CNN is fake news.”

Two secret service men escorted Acosta out the garden as the president continued:

“It is possible to arm the unborn, and we will arm them with specialized miniature guns just in case they need to protect themselves from baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them instead of having a bowl of Fruit Loops, or Coco Puffs, which they should be eating, instead of babies. We will provide them with Uzis, hand guns, AR-15s, machine guns, bullet proof vests, hand grenades, sub machine guns, rocket launchers, and yes, even nuclear weapons, and then baby hungry Democrats will think twice about having a bowl of Baby Coco Puffs for breakfast.”

Posted in Donald Trump, MAGA Chumps, satire/humor

Conversation With A Typical MAGA Chump

MAGA Chumps  , the most persecuted people in America.

If you’re a liberal or a progressive who has a relative or a friend who is a MAGA hat wearing Chump , you’ve no doubt been frustrated when trying to have a conversation with them having anything to do with politics. It could be about his bigotry , or his s**tty economic policies , the conversation will often turn to blind support for a man who is more a cult figure than a president.

MAGA Chump :“You libtards keep saying Trump’s a racist. I don’t see it. Where’s the evidence?”

“He is a Birther.”

MAGA Chump : “How is that racist?!”

You have to ask? If you can’t figure it out , well … “

MAGA Chump : “A typical libtard response. You libtards really have no clue , do you? Trump never said Oboingo was born in Kenya. He was just asking to see the Kenyan , Muslim , Marxist’s birth certificate , so we could be sure he was qualified to be president. Doesn’t make him a racist.”

“He showed his birth certificate. In fact , he showed the short and long forms.”

MAGA Chump : “They were fakes. Alex Jones proved they were fakes! You libturds love to call anyone who doesn’t agree with you , racist.”

“Whatever. There’s his Muslim ban.”

MAGA Chump : “Hardly racist , since Mooslims aren’t a race. He’s just trying to protect us from the Mooslim radicals who want to come here and kill us all  , and then convert us all to Islam.”

“He called illegal immigrants criminals. Rapists and murderers.”

MAGA Chump : “More libtard lies! He said some were rapists and murderers. Not all.”

He said he said he assumed some of them were good people.”

MAGA Chump : “Well , not all of them are good people. Most of them do want to come here to rape and kill us , and eat our kids , like Obama tried to do.”

“Obama tried to do?”

MAGA Chump : “According to Victoria Jackson , Oblamo tried to eat Americas kids. She wrote all about it in a book called , To Serve Obama. I always knew he was evil , but I never suspected he wanted to eat our kids. He is a Marxist , and that’s what Marxists do.”

“Isn’t that racist?”

MAGA Chump : “Of course it’s racist. He only wanted to eat white kids.”

No , I mean calling illegal immigrants rapists and murderers.”

MAGA Chump :“It’s just common sense. If we don’t stop them from coming here  , they’ll not only steal our jobs , but rape us and kill us , and eat our kids like Obama tried to do.” 

“You said that already. What about Trump’s neglect of Puerto Rico after the hurricane?”

MAGA Chump : “Puerto Rico isn’t in the United States. How’s it racist?”

“It’s a part of US territory , so it is in the United States.”

MAGA Chump : “You pathetic libtards don’t know anything.”

“What about the judge , Gonzalo Curiel , during a law suit by people who claim to have been defrauded by Trump University? Trump said he would not be impartial because he was a Mexican.”

MAGA Chump : “He is a Mexican. How is that racist?”

“Actually , he’s Mexican American.”

MAGA Chump : “Mexican , American. What difference does it make? Still not racist.”

“How about the time he was sued for violating the Fair Housing Act , by refusing to rent to black applicants?”

MAGA Chump : “How do you know? Were you there?”

“Were you?”

MAGA Chump : “No , I wasn’t.”

“It’s well documented.”

MAGA Chump : “Yeah , I’ll bet it is.”

“After the Unite The Right riot in Charlottesville , Virginia , he praised Neo Nazis as fine people , which David Duke and other Nazis nearly creamed themselves over.”

MAGA Chump : “He said there were fine people on both sides. But that was only half true. There are no fine people among Antifa and Black Lives Matter. They’re all terrorists and thugs , which he later acknowledged when he condemned both sides.”

“What about the Neo Nazis and the white nationalists who want to kill Jews and Muslims? They’re fine people? They’re clearly a much greater threat than Antifa. According to the last report by the ADL , 98% of the domestic murders in the US in 2018 , were committed by right wing terrorists. 78% by white identity extremists. Should we profile , and deport them?”

MAGA Chump : “What about Antifa? Why don’t we deport Antifa? They’re terrorists.”

“Not even close. They have engaged in some violence , but it’s laughable to call them terrorists , since they haven’t killed anyone.”

MAGA Chump : “You’re wrong! They have killed people! They’re the real terrorists. They were the ones who did the violence at the Unite The Right rally. They had clubs and guns , and they were beating up , and shooting people all over the place.”

“So , it was Antifa that ran over and killed a counter protester?”

MAGA Chump : “That’s right. The guy who ran over that girl , what’s her name , was an anti Trump protester. I read it in the Gateway Pundit.”

“Actually , it was James Fields , a Trump loving MAGA Chump , and a member of Van Guard America , a white supremacist group.”

MAGA Chump : “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It was a leftist , deep state Obama supporter. I read it at American Thinker , one of the most reliable news sites on the internet , and one of Rush Limbaugh’s favorite , thoughtful blogs. They said the whole thing was set up orchestrated by Soros , Obummer and The Deep State , in Obummer’s war room in Washington , to make president Trump , and his supporters look like racists.”

“So , a racist apology website that routinely publishes conspiracy garbage , is a reliable source?”

MAGA Chump : “Everything’s racist to you libtards! Questioning the birth certificate of a Marxist , Kenyan Muslim is racist. Banning Muslim terrorists is racist. Telling the truth about Mexicans is racist. Criticizing a judge is racist. Not renting to certain people , is racist. Condemning Nazis , and Antifa , is racist. Is there anything you libtards don’t find racist?”

“Calling a cop stupid for arresting a black man on his own property. Telling the truth about Katrina. Attending an African American church. And saying , if I had a son , he would look like Trayvon Martin.”

MAGA Chump : “All examples of racism!”

“To racists.”

“Libtard!”

Posted in Donald Trump, satire/humor

President Trump : “The Obama’s Have A Border Wall. Why Can’t I?”

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/12/31/trump-claims-theres-foot-wall-around-obamas-dc-home-neighbors-say-theres-not/

 

 

Since his 2016 campaign , president Trump has repeated the ridiculous narrative that the southern border is wide open for illegal immigrants to waltz through unchecked , that 99.9 % of them are rapists and murderers , that Democrats in general support open borders , rampant crime and drugs by illegal immigrants and gangs , and that we need a gargantuan wall that Mexico will somehow pay for.

Conservative pundits on Fox News have been all too eager to repeat this narrative , because they know their audiences are extremely gullible and will believe whatever they’re told. And during the mid-term elections they were told repeatedly that the migrant caravan was coming to steal their jobs , kill them , and eat their children.

Last Tuesday night , the president gave his address on the current state of immigration and border security , from the Oval office , which drew an estimated 35 to 40 million viewers.

After the address , the president tweeted his frustration with lack of border security , taking shots at the Democrats , but praising the Obama’s for building a wall around their property :

The Obama’s have a border wall. Why can’t I? I’ve seen it. It’s a great , big , huge , humongous , tremendous , beautiful wall , about fifty feet high , the size of Mount Everest. It’s so big even Rosie O’Donnell can’t climb it , and she’s huge! It’s totally necessary for their safety and privacy. I want one just like it in my backyard , and America needs one like it . And despite what the loser Democrats and the fake media says , everyone supports my wall , and they do work. Just ask the Obama’s. And Mexico will pay for it!

 

Posted in Donald Trump, satire/humor

President Trump To Michelle Obama : ‘I Will Never Forgive Obama For Destroying Our Military’

President Trump’s incoherent ‘I’ll never forgive Obama’ rant.

In response to Michelle Obama’s new book , in which she said she would never forgive Trump for his role in birtherism , president Trump told reporters on the White House lawn before leaving for a trip to Paris , that he would never forgive Obama for decimating the military , and for other horrible things he had supposedly done.

“Michelle Obama said what? I haven’t really seen or heard anything about that. I guess she wrote a book or something , maybe a memoire , who knows , something she was paid a lot of money to do , I guess , in which she wrote something controversial?

“You want controversial? Here’s controversial for you. I will never forgive Obama for depleting our military , for destroying our military.”

CNN White House reporter , Abby Phillip : “The United States military has the largest spending budget compared to every other nation combined. It’s ridiculous to suggest that president Obama destroyed it.”

“Not really. It was completely depleted under Obama. It was completely destroyed. It wasn’t funded the way it should have been. It was so old and tired , it was so out of date , it was so worn out , everything was so old and falling apart it was almost as if Obama had dropped a bomb on it , it was so dishevelled. The equipment , the military equipment like the tanks , the planes , the ships , and the military vehicles , almost none of them worked anymore. They were literally falling apart from disuse , they were sitting out in fields gathering dust and rust from years of neglect , because Obama wasn’t spending any more money. The tanks and planes and the military vehicles that did work , Obama often abused for his own personal use , like taking his kids to school and parties , and taking Michelle to beauty salons at tax payers expense , instead of what they were really supposed to be used for , like blowing people up. It was disgraceful.

“But what he did to our men and women in uniform , to our soldiers and military leaders , was even more disgraceful. Their uniforms were also gathering dust , and they were moth-eaten , because Obama was too cheap to spend money on new uniforms. They often had to go into battle with their uniforms falling to shreds , and some even had to go naked because Obama was too cheap to spend a few bucks on uniforms for his own military. And if anyone dared complain , he would say to them , your fired. It was no coincidence that we had a record number of military leaders fired under Obama , because he fired them for complaining about having to wear moth eaten uniforms , having to fight naked , and Obama using military vehicles for his own personal taxi service.

“Even their equipment was falling apart. Their guns were often antiquated – is that the right word I’m looking for , who knows? – they looked like guns from the eighteen hundreds or something. And they often had no bullets. Often they would jam , or back fire into the faces of our brave men and women. And even though they had weapons , half the time they were ordered not to engage the enemy , because Obama told them that ISIS and Al Qaeda were already contained , and not a threat , so he had them all running in the other direction , away from the terrorists , away from ISIS , and Al Quaeda , because he was terrible at foreign policy , he had no idea what he was doing. Under Obama ISIS was allowed to terrorize the middle east , because , and let’s be truthful here , him and crooked Hillary were the founders of ISIS , and it made America very unsafe for you and me.

“But the most disgraceful thing of all , the one thing that bothered our troops the most , is the fact that they were not allowed to say Merry Christmas for eight years. It was disgraceful. Not only were they not allowed to say Merry Christmas , they couldn’t celebrate it because Obama hated Christmas like he hated everything else , including his own military.

” But I came in and fixed everything. I spent tremendous amounts of money on new military vehicles like tanks and planes and ships. I’m not a cheap skate like Obama. They’re no longer rotting in fields gathering dust and rust , they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing , blowing people up , and he’s not using them to take Michelle and the kids to Disneyland. He wants to , but I told him , no way , get outta here Obama , and I told him he wasn’t using them for his personal taxi service , and I think I hurt his feelings.

“And I spent a tremendous amounts of money on new uniforms. Our troops no longer have to wear uniforms that are falling apart or moth-eaten , or engage the enemy naked. I also spent tremendous amounts of money on new weapons and bullets. They no longer have to use weapons that don’t work , or blow up in their faces , they don’t have to run away like cowards , and nobody’s complaining because I’m making everything great again , and they’re so happy to be able to say Merry Christmas again.”