Posted in Charlie Kirk, satire/humor

Conservative Hero, Charlie Kirk Soils His Pampers To Own The Libs!

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Charlie Kirk recounting his harrowing encounter with brain dead leftists who were protesting Donald Trump.

Charlie Kirk, the founder and executive director of TPUSA, had a recent harrowing encounter with intolerant, brain dead leftists that nearly ended in disaster for the conservative group.

The group has been known for staging sit-ins at college campuses to protest safe spaces that blue and pink haired millennial snowflakes are allegedly so fond of. In 2017, certain members wore diapers to portray liberals as crybabies who flip out at the mere thought of conservative speakers appearing on campus. Suffice it to say, the stunt backfired hilariously causing the conservative group a butt load of grief and humiliation, and the rest is history.

At 2018’s Politicon, Kirk attempted to own the smug libs when his pants fell down during a debate, revealing a pair of Pampers, Kirk’s signature brand. One would think that after a series of spectacular self owns, that Kirk would finally get the message that wearing diapers to own the libs has proven that he is totally clueless to what ‘Owning the Libs’ means.

One good thing that has come of Kirk’s diaper fetish – if one could call it that – was his endorsement by Proctor And Gamble last year to promote its latest diaper brands, and was chosen as their new spokesman. Obviously, Kirk is laughing all the way to the bank, believing he is owning the libs while wearing his favorite pair of Pampers, even as the smug libs he so despises, are laughing at him.

Recently, Kirk and company were triggered that leftists were protesting president Trump, so Charlie did what he does best, put on his favorite pair of Pampers to make a political statement, that libs are intolerant and must be owned. The encounter occurred on the campus of Kent State University, where two previous TPUSA events ended in extreme humiliation for the group.

A campus group known as Students Against Trump were protesting the racism and bigotry promoted by Fox News, which allegedly contributed to the El Paso shooting, in which eleven people were massacred by a gunman with alleged anti immigrant sentiment. The group carried signs that read: Dump Trump, He’s A Skunk And A Chump!

Other signs read: What’s That Thing On Trump’s Head? Is It Alive Or Is It Dead? This Is Your Brain On Fox News ( accompanied by a picture of a bubbling brain ); No Safe Spaces For Diaper Wearing Conservatives!

A senior spokesperson for the group, who declined to give her name, told the Journal, “We were gathered around stage on the quad showing our support for the victims who lost their lives in El Paso and Dayton, and listening to speakers and handing out fliers for upcoming events around campus. Almost as soon as we gathered, people started showing up. Most of them were liberals and other leftists, but many of them were also conservatives. I recognized several from conservative groups on campus, like TPUSA, and Liberty Hangout. I’d had run-ins with a few of them. One girl in particular I’d had a run-in with, was over a Tee shirt I created with a decal of the words TPUSA superimposed over a pair of diapers. She got very offended and attempted to explain to me that it was really liberals who were diaper wearing crybabies on campus, so I patiently listened to her as she rambled about the alleged sensitivities of liberals preventing conservative speakers from appearing on college campuses. Then it was my turn to remind her that her group literally wears diapers as a form of protest, and she responded with, ‘Yeah, but it’s symbolic of how the left behaves, like babies, and how they treat conservatives.’

I also reminded her that Charlie Kirk, the diaper king of the diaper movement known as Toilet Paper USA, still wears diapers. I reminded her that he wore diapers at 2018’s Politicon, and won the Pampers Spokesman Of The Year award for 2019. She accused me of lying, and walked away in a huff.

When people began showing up, members of the group started handing out fliers.

“At first, everything was normal and peaceful,” she continued. “I was hoping the event would pass without incident, as had all of our previous gatherings. But this time, something felt different. Maybe it was the fact that we had a media that defended and apologized for a president’s open bigotry, and promoted it’s own bigotry against immigrant refugees. That was a legitimate concern, but I knew that wasn’t it. It literally didn’t take long to figure out why it felt different. The obvious was obvious almost immediately: it was Charlie Kirk.

“Less than an hour after we gathered in the quad, Charlie pushes his way through the crowd, followed by several members of the campus group, TPUSA. I never thought he would have the balls to come back here after he and his group had thoroughly self owned themselves the last time. But apparently he either didn’t care, or was just too dumb to remember. Whatever it was, I don’t know. Maybe he blocked it out?

“Immediately he strides self righteously to the front of the stage. Some of the protesters were there with their anti-Trump signs. Others were scattered throughout the still gathering crowd. Crossing his arms and nodding toward the flyers, Kirk said: ‘Don’t you think some of those signs are disrespectful to the president?’

“I grabbed the mic from the last speaker, getting right up into Charlie’s face, hoping to intimidate him. Because I’m a short woman I refuse to let anyone walk all over me. I’m also a loud mouthed feminst. I do the intimidating. However, Charlie didn’t seem to concerned about a pink haired woman practically shouting in his face.

” ‘I couldn’t care less how disrespectful it is. He doesn’t deserve any respect.’

” ‘What? He doesn’t deserve respect? He’s the president of the United States for crying out loud!’

” ‘Oh, for crying out loud, put a diaper in it. Or, put one on, would be more like it… if you’re not already wearing one, that is.’

” ‘As a matter of fact I am wearing one, and so are my colleagues!’ he said gesturing toward his four companions. ‘And we’re not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it! Are we guys?’

” ‘No sir!’ they shouted.

” ‘Remember, you asked for it! You made us do this!’

“Charlie snapped his fingers and his four companions ripped off four pairs of tear away pants, revealing four pairs of Pampers diapers.

“For a brief moment everyone was stunned. Then immediately people fumbled for their phones, many of them grinning as if they had just won the lottery jackpot. Most of them had only heard of Charlie’s diaper antics, but seeing it first hand was actually something they could write home about.

“Each of their diapers featured a print of Donald Trump’s face in the crotch and back side areas. They looked absolutely ridiculous. Then all at once the crowd, now more than one hundred, laughed. I laughed too, nearly busting a gut.

“Charlie and his entourage ignored the laughter and launched into a ridiculous song and dance routine, which they had apparently rehearsed ahead of time. Following Charlie’s lead his companions started singing to the tune of, Nothing Is Everything from that cheesy Skyrizi commercial, substituting their own words, thrusting their hips from side to side, forward and back as they twirled their right fore fingers in the air.

” ‘Donald Trump is everything! Donald Trump is everything!

” ‘Yeah, Donald and I go hand in hand! I’m just a chump but he’s the man, yeah he’s the man! Liberals don’t like him but that’s OK, ’cause they’re the crybabies anyway!

” ‘They call him a skunk and a chump, but that’s Ok too, they can take a dump, because they’re the crybabies anyway, ’cause Donald Trump is everything, yeah!

” ‘Yeah, Donald Trump is everything, yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!Oh!’

“What the f**k did we just watch? I was thinking.

“As the song ended they thrust out their diapered anuses and twerked obscenely, worse than any twerking I had ever witnessed, and what made it even more obscene was the finishing touch they added at the end. There was a massive explosion of gas, nearly sonic in nature. It sounded exactly like someone letting the air out of a balloon, multiplied times four. Was I watching an episode of the Benny Hill show, or what? Considering that the sounds erupted from four diapered anuses, it was the most massive explosion I’d ever heard, and judging by how explosive it was, I was certain there must have been another kind of eruption, like f**king diarreah or something.

” ‘I think Charlie just s**t himself!’ someone shouted gleefully, and the entire crowd erupted – no pun intended – in hysterical laughter.

” ‘That’s right!’ Charlie shouted. ” ‘What you just witnessed is what liberals do every day on college campuses around America! Crapping their diapers because they’re crybabies who hate the president, and are so sensitive they can’t except conservative ideas!’

” ‘But you guys are wearing the diapers, man!’

” ‘It’s all symbolic, man!’ Charlie the hipster shouted back.

“Four guys ran out from the crowd and pulled down Charlie and his companions’ diapers, being careful not to get soiled in the process.

” ‘Intolerant liberals!’ Charlie shouted.

“His companions looked like they wanted to find a few rocks to crawl under.

” ‘It’s all symbolic, man!’ one of them shouted back.

“Faces redder than beets, Charlie and his companions’ bolted, stepping and slipping and sliding in their own s**t as they ran, while the crowd roared with hysterical laughter. People were clutching one another to keep themselves from falling over, while others were rolling around on the ground clutching their guts.

“I laughed so hard this time I think I did bust a gut.

“It wasn’t long before the media got ahold of some of the video. It was inevitable, I guess. The first video footage appeared on Tucker Carlson Tonight the following night. It was heavily edited to make it appear as if the protesters were inciting the crowd to be intolerant toward Charlie and his entourage. Ingraham and Hannity also spun it to their advantage. They even brought Charlie and his companions on to tell their side of the story, and they lied through their teeth to make themselves look like victims. I guess they were either too dense to realize that their antics had been recorded by dozens of phones, or they just didn’t care.

“However, when other news outlets came into possession of the same footage, they aired it without editing. One of these outlets was CNN. After they had aired the unedited footage, Charlie Kirk tried to cover his a** by claiming that it was fake news, that the people who appeared to be him and his companions were really leftist actors deliberately trying to frame him, that they were actually attempting to put their own soiled diapers on them to make them look bad. But, of course, only the biggest Kool aid drinkers among the Fox News audience believed him.

“Fox News was also caught with their pants down. When the unedited video had been released, they had no choice but to distance themselves from Kirk by claiming that he had given them edited footage. But only a fool would believe that too, which much of their Kool aid drinking audience did. They believed that Charlie had been both a victim of intolerant, violent leftists, and Fox News traitors who had thrown him under the bus.

“The unedited footage was posted all over social media, while Charlie and company scrambled to salvage what remained of their reputation, airing their own edited version as the truth, titled, Charlie Kirk And Company Own Smug College Campus Leftist Liberals.

“Were Charlie and company ever going to learn they were never going to own the libs by wearing diapers? Not a chance. They were much too busy owning themselves.

Author:

I'm a left leaning dude with an attitude.