Posted in Donald Trump, satire/humor

President Trump Signs Executive Order To Arm The Unborn

Trump ordering secret service to remove Jim Acosta from press conference

 

President Trump has signed an executive order to arm the unborn!

In a press conference in the Rose Garden, the president told news reporters, “I have just signed an executive order that authorizes anyone involved in the decision to provide an abortion, to refuse according to their religious or personal beliefs that an abortion is wrong. It also gives arms and weapons manufacturers, Smith And Wesson, Lockheed, Winchester, and others, full authority to assist in the making of specialized weaponry for the purpose of arming the unborn.

“The presidential executive order grants Doctors, nurses, patient and family advisors, full authority to refuse in assisting or taking part in the act of providing an abortion based on religious or personal beliefs that life is sacred. It also grants the unborn full protective status as human beings, as it is outlined in the fourteenth amendment. And as protected citizens, they have the right to arm themselves and shoot the Democrats when they come to pull them from their mother’s wombs.

“Like many Americans, I believe that life begins at reception. Even before you have that first cigarette, there’s another person in the room and you better be careful not to talk about aborting little Timmy, or Sally, because you might hurt their feelings. We need to start treating the unborn like everyone else. That means they should have the right to defend themselves in the event that their precious little lives are threatened baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them for breakfast, instead of having a pop tart or a bowl of Fruity Pebbles or something, and what better way to do that than giving them Uzis and AK-47s? If they had Uzis and AK-47s, the baby hungry Democrats would not be able to eat them, and sell their baby body parts, because, let’s be honest here, what do you do when someone is invading your home, your private property?”

“You shoot them!” Someone shouted from the crowd, eliciting nervous laughter.

“That’s right, ” the president said. “You shoot them. And then you ask them why they broke into your house. If it’s a Mexican, chances are he’s an illegal immigrant, and most likely he would be there to rob you, rape you, kill you, and then steal your job. Chances are it’s all four. If it’s a homosexual, chances are he’s there to convert you, and if you refuse because you’re a conservative, he’ll probably call you a homophobe just because you don’t like gay marriage and want to get rid of it. If it’s a gun grabbing liberal, chances are he’s there to steal your guns like Obama did. If it’s a trans gender, chances are he’s there to use you’re bathroom , and if you tell him – or her, or whatever – no, he’ll call you a transphobe, or whatever made up word they’ve labeled people who don’t believe transsexuals are a thing, and then, for good measure, he’ll probably rob you and then use your bathroom.

“We have the right to protect our property and ourselves with a gun if we choose. When someone invades our privacy, when someone breaks into our home, we have the right to shoot them. It’s in the Bible, and it’s in the constitution. Well, I believe the unborn should have those same rights, because the womb is their home until they’re born, so they have a right to defend it from crazy Democrats who would rather eat babies for breakfast than have a bowl of Wheaties or something. These are deplorable people, the Democrats. They’ve been eating Coco Puffs their entire lives and now they want to eat babies. They were cuckoo for regular Coco Puffs. Now they’re cuckoo for Baby Flavored Coco Puffs.”

CNN correspondent Jim Acosta was the first to raise his hand. President Trump pointed at him reluctantly.

“Don’t get crazy on me, Jim, or I’ll have you tossed out on your can.”

There was scatter nervous laughter.

“Yes, sir. First of all, I’m at a complete loss for words. I believe I speak for most of us here when I say that. Everything you said makes absolutely no sense.”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s impossible to arm the unborn with weapons, ” Acosta said. “This sounds like something someone smoking a questionable substance would say. Or a crackpot who’s been listening to too much Alex Jones. Are you a crackpot, Mr. President?”

“No, I assure you I’m not a crackpot, nor have I been listening to Alex Jones.”

“But you’ve appeared on his show several times prior to becoming president, sir.”

“No, I haven’t. That’s fake news. Get him out of here. You’re fake news. CNN is fake news.”

Two secret service men escorted Acosta out the garden as the president continued:

“It is possible to arm the unborn, and we will arm them with specialized miniature guns just in case they need to protect themselves from baby hungry Democrats who want to eat them instead of having a bowl of Fruit Loops, or Coco Puffs, which they should be eating, instead of babies. We will provide them with Uzis, hand guns, AR-15s, machine guns, bullet proof vests, hand grenades, sub machine guns, rocket launchers, and yes, even nuclear weapons, and then baby hungry Democrats will think twice about having a bowl of Baby Coco Puffs for breakfast.”

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Posted in Allie Stucky, Toilet Paper USA

Toilet Paper USA Announces Allie Stuckey As Chairwoman Of Its Annual Young Women’s Diaper Wearing Leadership Summit

https://www.breitbart.com/tech/2019/03/01/tpusa-announces-allie-stuckey-as-womens-summit-chairwoman/

Rising conservative star, Allie Stuckey – whom virtually no one has heard of – was chosen as the new chairwoman of the Young Women’s Diaper Training Leadership Summit, at this year’s CPAC this past March.

Stuckey, 26, is the host of Blaze TV’s Relatable, a podcast show that blends news, culture, and politics with a  right wing perspective, because it’s a fact written in stone, that the liberal media is just too biased and discriminates unfairly against conservatives who can never get a fair shake, despite the fact that conservative voices dominate the news media, print, and radio.

When not producing videos for Blaze TV, the conservative pundit can be found traveling the university circuit whining about liberal intolerance on college campuses, never bothering to mention the fact that the universities where TPUSA has influence, regularly target liberal instructors for harassment by placing them on watch lists, which in some cases may include their personal information.

Shortly after that she started the blog The Conservative Millennial, which was later changed to The Conservative Diaper Wearing Millennial on the advise of close friend Charlie Kirk. Kirk was responsible for spear heading the infamous and disastrous 2017 Kent State diaper wearing fiasco that attempted to portray college liberals as the real snowflakes, but had the opposite reaction, virtually destroying the conservative group’s reputation. Kirk convinced Stucky that the best way to own smug liberals is to wear diapers.

“At first I thought Charlie was out of his mind,” the conservative diaper wearing millennial told The Journal. “The libs were laughing at him and making so much fun of him that I felt bad for him, and I thought no way! I want no part of this! But then after the ridicule began to wear off, and he continued to wear diapers, refusing to let them intimidate him, I thought, hmmm, he might be onto something here. I mean, the whole protest was to show that liberals are the real babies anyway, right? So, what better way to prove it than by wearing diapers. Eventually they would see it our way, that liberals are the diaper wearing babies, not conservatives. Some of my friends and colleagues think that I’m proving just the opposite, but I’m convinced that Charlie is right. If we continue wearing diapers long enough, people will eventually come to see that it’s liberals who are the real snowflakes. We may literally wear diapers, but it’s really metaphorical.  So I changed the name of my blog, and decided that I would become a lifetime, diaper wearing member of TPUSA. And I’m thrilled and honored to be chosen as chairwoman of The Young Women’s Diaper Wearing Leadership Committee. I can’t wait to get out there and tell, and show, conservatives that the best way to own the libs is by wearing a great pair of diapers, and I owe it all to Charlie. Thanks Charlie!”

These days, in addition to whining about liberal intolerance, Stuckey speaks to college millennials on the importance of wearing diapers to own the smug libs. So far the tour has been successful. The chapter has well over five thousand diaper wearing converts on an estimated four hundred campuses nation wide.

“Allie is such an inspiration, not only to conservative women, but diaper wearing conservative millennials all over America, ” Charlie Kirk said. “And she’s my personal hero. She’s proving to conservatives that she’s dedicated to fighting liberal bias and intolerance on college campuses, and she’s not afraid to wear diapers to do it.”

Stuckey says she was so inspired by Charlie Kirk’s book , Wear A Diaper, Own A Lib,  that she is in the process of writing a book of her own on the subject, which will be released next Spring, titled My Experiences As A Conservative Diaper Wearing Millennial. She is also working on a second book with Charlie Kirk, How I Became A Conservative Diaper Wearing Millennial For TPUSA.