Republicans Finally Admit They Don’t Like Obama Because He’s Black

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Washington DC – Republicans have been denying for years that their extreme dislike of president Obama has everything to do with his policies and nothing else. But yesterday some Republicans admitted that wasn’t entirely true.

“Of course some of us don’t like president Obama because he’s black ,” Former presidential candidate and governor of Arkansas , Mike Huckabee , told the Washington Post. “But it has nothing to do with race , or his Muslim name. It has everything to do with how he’s destroying America with Obama Care , giving everyone free socialized healthcare , and allowing gays to marry each other and their horses.”

Former presidential candidate and governor of Alaska , Sarah Palin told MSNBC , “Obama’s been complaining for years that people don’t like him because he’s black. And for years we’ve been saying he should go back to Kenya where he was born. He’s the racist.”

On his radio show on The Blaze Network , Glen Beck said , “Barack Obama hasn’t faced any bigotry! We have. Obama has kept black people on his plantation for eight years , giving them welfare , food stamps , Obama phones , photographs , and all kinds of free goodies. There are no white people on his plantation. He’s the real racist.”

During an episode of The O’Reilly Factor earlier this week , Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump  , on a short break from the campaign trail , told Bill O’Reilly it was time to admit the truth about the Republican Party.

“They’re all a bunch of racists ,” Trump admitted. “They may as well be wearing white robes and hoods , it’s so obvious.”

When O’Reilly pointed out Trump’s own involvement in the birther conspiracy , and that he had earlier this year denied knowing who David Duke was , Trump said ,”I never said Obama was born in Kenya , and I still don’t know who David Duke is. They’re the racists , not me.”

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Obama Decrees Golf Courses Banned From Public Use : Says His Critics Are To Blame

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Washington D.C.
– During a White House press conference today , president Obama announced that all golf courses across America will be banned from public use.

Since the release of Agenda 21 , the United Nations non binding plan for sustainable development  , Conservatives from Glen Beck to Alex Jones have predicted that the government would take control of every aspect of their lives , forcing everyone to live in Hobbit homes , and even ban golf courses and cars.

Today , one of those predictions has apparently become reality.

Speaking to a crowd of excited reporters , president Obama said ,”During the last eight years I’ve been involved in nearly every conspiracy theory imaginable , and not by my own choice. I’ve been accused of hating and wanting to destroy this great country so I can hand over its remnants to either my communist mentors , or my Muslim homies whom I have openly invited into the White House. I’ve also been accused of not caring about terrorism and spending too much time on the golf course.

“As of today ,” he continued , “with the signing of my latest executive order , all golf courses in the United States will be banned to the public. This order will take effect immediately. Anyone caught on a golf course with a club in their hand will be arrested and fined. By complaining that I do nothing but play golf , my critics are to blame for this. If they had spent less time complaining  about a dictatorship , instead of doing their jobs , this would not have happened. Well , now they have something to actually complain about. From now on , only I can use a public golf course.”

On his radio and television show on the Blaze Network , a tearful Glen Beck told his audience , “I always knew this was coming. I predicted this years ago. I knew that Barack Obama would be the one to do it , because he’s a golf glutton. He can’t get enough of it. Mark Levin said it best. He’s  a junkie. He’s a golf junkie. He won’t be happy until he personally owns everything in America.

“Ladies and gentlemen , our homes are next. Before we know it , we will all be living in Hobbit holes in the Shire with Elija Wood and the rest of the cast from the Lord Of The Rings.”

Angry White Girl Suffers Aneurysm On Live Television , Blames Obama , Democrats , Liberals , And Black Lives Matter

Dallas – Conservative pundit Tomi Lahren , host of Final Thoughts on The Blaze Network , suffered a minor aneurysm today. The feisty commentator  , best known for her silly rants against liberals , blacks , president Obama , and Black Lives Matter , was well into one of her tirades concerning Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton , when she suddenly collapsed.

Ms. Lahren was rushed to Dallas Medical Center where it was determined that she had suffered a minor stroke.  According to hospital officials , no lasting damage had been done but she was advised to stay in bed for a couple of weeks , and to avoid getting upset as much as possible.

“Asking Tomi not to get upset is like asking the Pope not to wear a hat ,” Glen Beck said , the following day on his show. “Obama , liberals , and Black Lives Matter drive her crazy. There’s just no way she can avoid getting upset.  I don’t believe it’s possible. If she doesn’t kill herself next time , she may wind up becoming a vegetable. What kind of vegetable , remains to be seen. Stu , what kind of vegetable would best describe Tomi?”

“I’m thinking walnut?” Stu Burguiere said. “Because she looks tough to crack on the outside. But on the inside she’s more like a tomato , because she gets easily pissed off , and tomatoes are soft and squishy?”

“I think walnuts are fruits ,” Glen said.

Picking his nose , Pat Gray said , “I’m going with zucchini. I’ve always thought she looks like a zucchini.”

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Angry white girl , Tomi Lahren , on The Blaze shortly before becoming a zucchini.

Despite doctors orders  , less than a week later Ms. Lahren was back on set , tearing into the liberal left.

“For those of you who missed last weeks Final Thoughts , I had a minor stroke. And you know whose fault it was? That’s right , it was the fault of all the people who just can’t let things heal in America!

“That’s right. It’s your fault Barry! If you could pull yourself  off the golf course long enough to finally do something about ISIS and other terrorists once and for all , America would be a safer place for all of us!

“It’s your fault Democrats! If you weren’t so busy kissing Hillary’s ass , and dumping on Trump , America would indeed be great again!

“It’s your fault liberals! If you all weren’t so worried about being offended about everything , we might be able to have a normal conversation!

“And last , but certainly not least , it’s your fault Black Lives Matter! If you people would just stop making me so mad , shut up about racism , and stop complaining about getting shot by police officers , this never would have happened!”

Pounding a fist on the desk , she concluded her tirade with , “It’s all your fault!” Then her eyes widened slightly and she attempted to speak again , but the words were gibberish. Saliva dribbled slowly down her chin , and her head pitched forward  onto her desk.

Once again Ms. Lahren was rushed to Dallas Medical center , where she was later pronounced a zucchini.

American Veterans Declare Ted Nugent Their Enemy

 

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Americas veterans declare Uncle Ted the enemy.

AP-  Today a spokesperson for a coalition of American veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars made the announcement that they know the real reason why veterans are committing suicide.

Recently , Nugent made the claim that president Obama was responsible for suicides of Americas veterans. That claim raised the ire of veterans all over America , prompting the group American Veterans Against Ted Poopy Pants Nugent to condemn the Motor City Madman’s mouth diarrhea.

In an interview with MSNBC , the group’s spokesman Moe Flem said , “Ted represents the ultimate bad boy , the ultimate patriotic American who speaks his mind and takes no prisoners. But in  reality it’s all just a facade. He’s nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In other words , a coward playing the role of a fake patriot. He’s a bully , talks tough , has a foul mouth , but he’s just a pussy , a pansy , a chicken hawk. He surrounds himself with guns , shoots defenseless animals , threatens to shoot immigrants , black people , the president , liberals , and has accused those who hate him , of hating America.

“Ted thinks he knows Americas veterans , ” Flem continued. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Someone who’s never served a day of his life in uniform , thinks he knows how they feel! He thinks he knows why they commit suicide! Because they know the enemy is Barack Obama , he said. No veteran would ever tell him that , and he knows it. The real reason they commit suicide is because Ted is full of crap , literally full of crap. Ted is the real enemy. They commit suicide because they know he’s nothing more than a loud mouthed , gun-toting , un-American , draft dodging , pants pooping , treasonous coward.”

Glen Beck Divorces Second Wife To Marry Blaze Co-Host Stu ( Sue ) Burguiere

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The happy newlyweds , couple , whatever , Glen and Sue , on the set of The Glen Beck Show.

Dallas – Glen Beck , host of the Glen Beck radio and television show on the Blaze network , recently announced that he had divorced his second wife to marry Stu ( Sue ) Burguiere , who had also recently stunned his ( her ) co-workers with his ( her ) own announcement of a sex change operation.

Beck , who has four children , two from a previous marriage , said that his marriage had been in trouble for some time due to the fact that his co-host Stu Burguiere was now Sue Burguiere. In an interview with Gentlemen’s Quarterly magazine , he said , “She was extremely jealous of our working relationship. I told her there was nothing to worry about , but she wouldn’t listen. She said , ‘She’s no longer Stu. She might start hitting on you.’

” ‘That’s insane ,’ I said. ‘Stu – I mean Sue – isn’t interested in me. We’ve worked together for years. He’s – I mean she’s – never shown any interest in me before.’

“Man , was I ever wrong! Not only was he – I mean she – interested in me , but he – I mean she – was starting to show it in some weird ways , if you know what I mean. When there was no one else nearby , he/she would sometimes bat his/ her eyelashes at me and give me a sexy come hither look. It made me feel uncomfortable , because to me he – I mean she – was still Stu. That was how I thought of him – I mean her.

“Other times he/she  would goose me , or grab my you know what in one hand and squeeze – hard. The last time he – or she – did it , I said ‘Stu – I mean Sue – what the hell is wrong with you?! You can’t  do that! It’s very inappropriate! I’m your boss. I can fire you for doing that. Besides , you’re married.”

‘”So , a guy – I mean gal – can’t have a little fun? You won’t fire me.” He/she batted his/her eyelashes at me again. ‘You like it. Otherwise you would have fired me long ago.’

“He/she was right. God help me , I did like it! But it also made me very uncomfortable. This happened off and on over a number of weeks , and at the time , I had no idea that Stu – I mean Sue – was calling my house several times a week and hanging up , until one day my wife , Tania , called me and said ,’Someone’s been calling here , and hanging up. Is it Stu – I mean Sue? Are you two having an affair? I want a divorce!’

“And that’s basically how Stu – I mean Sue – and I got together , became a couple , whatever. I went home that night and we – Tania and me , not Stu and me – I mean Sue – whatever – argued all night , I mean we fought like cats and dogs. She was convinced I was having an affair with Stu – I mean Sue. Nothing I could say would convince her otherwise. A week later we were divorced. I was devastated. I moped  around the studio in my bathrobe and slippers every day for weeks , too upset to do anything.  Stu – I mean Sue – was the only I told about the divorce , and since the whole thing was his fault – I mean her fault – he/she  was there with me through the ordeal. He – I mean she – offered to let me stay at his/her house a few days. I asked him – I mean her – if his/her  wife , whatever , would object , and he /she said his/her wife , husband – whatever – had divorced him/her – too.

“We cried in each others arms that night. After the discomfort wore off , which was about six weeks later , I proposed.”

The happy couple was married in a small , private ceremony in the Blaze studios , attended by a few family and friends.

aviary-photo_131179475779747249“When Glen told me , I thought oh my God , this is even more creepy than Stu becoming a chick , transsexual , whatever ,” Dana Loesch said. “I never even suspected those two liked each other , much less were having an affair. But I was also relieved because I no longer had to worry about Stu – I mean Sue – hitting on me.”

aviary-photo_131180006308840104“When I found out that Glen was marrying Stu/Sue , whatever , I wanted to grab hold of him and shake some sense into him ,” Buck Sexton said. “What’s wrong with you dude? This isn’t like you! Why are you shacking up with another dude , whatever , dude?
“I was so disgusted I wrote a short poem about it : There was a dude named Stu , who is now a chick , broad , whatever , named Sue ; he , or she , whatever , works at The Blaze ; had a recent sex change ; never hit on Pat because he’s too fat ; but instead married Glen Beck which is  strange.”

aviary-photo_131179477602954023“I was jealous ,” Pat Gray said. “Ever since Stu became Sue , I wondered what it would be like to kiss those ruby-red lips of his – I mean hers –  and see what he – I mean she – looked like in the nude. I’m still not a pervert! But I still think he/she  – what-the-hell – ever – is cute.”

 

Dumb Blonde Shreds Colin Kaepernick In Epic Rant : Again Says What Other Idiots Are Thinking

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“Why do you black people have to keep talking about race? There’s no racism in America! Don’t you know there’s a black president in the White House?! The only racists are Barack Obama , liberals , Democrats  , and you black people who keep complaining about getting shot by white cops!”

First it was blame president Obama for terrorism after the Chattanooga  military base shooting , when she made the absurd claim that he has a friendly to Muslim jihadis mentality.

Then it was  blame Beyonce for her “racist attack against white people and cops” during her performance at this years Superbowl.

Then it was blame Jesse Williams for a non-existent war on cops when he gave his acceptance speech for the Black Entertainment Award , in which he talked about police brutality against the black community , earlier this year.    

Then it was back to blaming president Obama for the Orlando night club shooting , claiming we are divided  more than ever because Obama refuses to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism.”

Then , once again , it was back to blaming Obama for the shootings of the police officers in Baton Rogue , and Dallas , and comparing the Black Lives Matter movement to the KKK.

Then yet again , Obama was to blame for the flooding in Louisiana last week , with the absurd claim that Trump cared more about the victims than the president did. 

Is there anything this woman hasn’t blamed on Obama , liberals , Democrats , and Black Lives Matter?

Now Tomi and the anti-PC crowd have another reason to get their panties wadded into a bunch. Another black person had the audacity to criticize Tomi’s perfect vision of America. Colin Kaepernick decided he would sit out the National Anthem before a preseason game against the Green Bay Packers to protest police brutality against minorities. The Conservative response to this was predictable. They lost their ever-loving minds , completely disregarding the point of his protest , and instead attacked him on twitter , accusing him being unpatriotic , and of hating America  , telling him that he should find another country to call home. Some even used racial slurs. 

In Tomi’s world , anyone who questions her lily-white version of America , where black and white folk are always treated fairly and equally , where no racial discrimination ever takes place ( because there is now a black president in the White House ) , anyone who criticizes the status quo , are un-American , unpatriotic and must get out. There’s no room for disagreement , no room for dissent , no room for discussion. This is the Conservative mind-set. Agree with me , or get the hell out. America , love it or leave it. These people are the biggest fucking hypocrites. It wasn’t that long ago when the Dixie Chicks were in the news for criticizing George Bush and the Iraq war. All it took was for Natalie Maines to say , “We don’t want this war , and we’re ashamed that George Bush is from the state of Texas.” Immediately they were branded as unpatriotic , as traitors. Their records were burned , their music was pulled from radio stations all over America. People were ready to lynch them.   

In 2016 , we have self-proclaimed political experts like Tomi Lahren , Glen Beck , Rush Limbaugh , Sarah Palin , Janine Pirro ,  Pamela Geller , and Allen West – people with no credibility , or political expertise – accusing the current president of treason , of having a friendly to jihadis mentality , of siding with radical Islamic terrorists , blaming him for every mass shooting , blaming him for their hatred and racism. There is no accountability with these people. They are allowed to say whatever they want , whether it’s true or not. They can slander Democrats , liberals , and the president with impunity, and no one holds them accountable. If it were Democrats or liberals questioning the motives and the loyalty of a Republican president , Conservatives would be demanding an apology , demanding that they be fired.  

Bush’s critics were accused of treason , but Obama’s critics , many of whom have engaged in far more than harmless criticism , are patriots. 

Whether Kaepernick was disrespectful to America and the flag is debatable. The point is he was – and still is – at least attempting to make an effort to address something that white Conservatives like Lahren would rather sweep under the rug. That systemic and individual racism exists. That some black people have been killed by police officers for committing no crimes , and in many cases those police officers have not been punished. That the criminal justice system is basically rigged against minorities. That both blacks and whites when arrested for the same crimes , blacks are far more likely to be arrested , and receive longer sentences.  

This isn’t something that Tomi Lahren , or others like her will ever tell their audience. Because they’re not interested in facts , or data. Their only interest is to tell them what they want to hear : that everything wrong in America is the fault of liberals , Democrats , black people , and Barack Obama. And that it’s justifiable to be more outraged over an athlete exercising his right to protest , than the murder of a twelve-year-old boy playing with a toy gun.         

 

Blaze Co-Host , Stu Burguiere Admits To Having Sex Reassignment Surgery

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Stu Burguiere as Sue Burguiere. Dude really is a lady.

Dallas – Stu Burguiere , employed at the Blaze Network , which is owned by Glenn Beck , has admitted to having sex reassignment surgery when he was younger. The co-host of the Pat And Stu Show  , and the host of The Wonderful World Of Stu , also seen on the network , says he did not intend for it to become public knowledge , until during  a recent episode of The Glenn Beck Show in which he portrayed the girlfriend of George Soros in full drag.

“As a kid , I often wondered what it would be like to be a girl ,” he revealed to Megan Kelly on a recent episode of The Kelly File. “The girls in school always smelled so sweat , like flowers or candy , and the boys always smelled like armpits. I know it sounds weird ,” he continued laughing , “but I know I can’t be the only guy who’s ever thought about it. But , anyway , even though I think I was the only guy in my school who didn’t smell like an armpit , because I was always so meticulous when it came to personal hygiene , I never had any success with the girls. I was small for my age , and sometimes I even thought that I looked like a girl. So , one day , I was twelve at the time , I borrowed one of my mother’s two wigs , and one of my sister’s blouses and pair of pants that she seldom wore anymore. I had to sneak them out of the house in my book bag. During recess I had to put them on in a stall in the boys’ room and sneak out without anyone seeing me.  

“I remember walking around the school yard , mingling with the girls , watching them Jumping rope and playing dodge ball. No one recognized me. No one knew who I really was. No one knew that I was Stu Burguiere dressed up as a girl. After a while , some of the girls asked if I was a new student because they had never seen me – the girl I was pretending to be – and I said yes. I even joined them , playing dodge ball. I liked it. Not the game. I liked being a girl. There was no sudden revelation that I knew I was born to be a girl or anything. I just knew from that moment that I wanted to be a girl. I liked dressing like a girl and smelling like a girl. I did it every day for a week , and the more I did it , the more I liked it , even though I was risking getting caught , but somehow managed not to.

“But since I was a kid , there was nothing I could do about it , other than dressing up like one and pretending to be one. I had to wait until I was much older , until I was able to save up enough for the procedure , operation , whatever. This was before I started working for Glenn. I’ve never told any of this to anyone but my wife. The reason I’m here telling everyone my story now , is I don’t want to keep it a secret anymore. We were doing a segment on the Glenn Beck Show one day where I was pretending to be George Soro’s girlfriend , and it was then that I decided I had to tell everyone the truth. The guy you see now , Stu Burguiere , is just a character that I do every day on television and radio. My name is now Sue , and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”   

Aviary Photo_131175858292215920“I’m shocked!” Glenn Beck said when he found out. “I’m totally shocked! I might wind up crying about this like I cry about everything else. Who knew Stu was really Sue! Not me , that’s who!”  

When asked about Stu’s/Sue’s – future at The Blaze , Beck said , “Stu – Sue  , whatever , has done a fine job in all the years he – or she – has been here. Why would I fire him , I mean her?” 

Aviary Photo_131175808450270987“Wow! Stu is really Sue!” Dana Loesch of The Dana Show , said with a grin. “I’m surprised , but I can’t say I’m shocked. I always suspected there was something kind of creepy about him/ her , something not quite right with that dude – chick – whatever. He/she’s  not a pervert is he/she? He /she’s not going to hit on me or anything, is he/she? That would really be creepy!”

Aviary Photo_131175826757810507No one was more surprised and shocked than Pat Gray , Stu’s/Sue’s – best friend of many years.  “I never imagined in a million years that this would ever happen to someone like Stu – I mean Sue. He’s – she’s – the last dude – chick , whatever – I thought would ever do something like this. But I can’t say I really blame him -or her. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a girl too. And , no , I’m not a pervert. I just hope he /she  doesn’t hit on me either. I’m married. But he/ she is kind of cute as Sue Burguiere.”