Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Mutant Ninja Babies : Barack Obama’s Secret Army Of Infant Warriors

Aviary Photo_131072042439607205Soon after he was sworn in for his first term , president Obama has been quietly amassing a secret army that most Americans are not aware of. It is called Fema Corps , a partnership between both Fema and the Corporation for National and Community Service , which  is an organization of young Americans , which are to serve in times of disaster , and to provide jobs. But there are those who believe that it is nothing more than a front for a much more sinister purpose.  Some believe that the president is building a private army to do his bidding – which some believe may be used in a race war – an army of brainwashed communist youth that will eventually be used to take over America , and ultimately the world. An army that some see as similar in design and purpose to The Hitler Youth Brigade.

Are these legitimate concerns? According to Victoria Jackson , there is plenty to be concerned about. Victoria , a conservative blogger , actress , and talk show host , has been highly critical of the Obama administration.

“Obama has been building this army since before he took office – long before he was even elected , in fact ,” she said. “They knew he would be elected , so there was no delay in carrying out their sinister plans for a complete communist , Marxist , Nazi , gay , Muslim take over of the United States. And frankly , I’m surprised it hasn’t been completed yet. But it will. It definitely will. It’s coming. Jade Helm may not be it. I believe Jade Helm is just another exercise for this take over. I believe he is waiting for the last possible moment when he thinks he’s got everyone fooled into believing that nothing is going to happen. And then , wham! The crap hits the fan and we’re all screwed. His brainwashed Nazi , communist , liberal , gay , Marxist , socialist , Muslim army – which I believe will be mostly black , probably Black Panther members – will take  all of the guns away from all of us patriotic gun loving Americans and throw us all into Fema camps , which they’ve got set up all over America. We’ve always known this would happen , from the moment he set foot in the White House. We’ve known from the beginning of his political career that he’s a communist , Nazi , Marxist , gay , Muslim terrorist. He was a good buddy of Saul Alinsky , a community organizer , who was really just a clever communist , liberal , Marxist , Nazi , socialist , gay , Muslim. He was also best friends with Bill Ayres – another communist liberal , Marxist , Nazi , socialist , gay , Muslim –  when he was a kid , and probably helped him plant bombs and explosives , and killed all kinds of people. Too bad they weren’t all Muslims.”

I also spoke with Alex Jones. Mr. Jones is the host of the syndicated Alex Jones show , and the host of two websites , Info Wars , and Prison Planet. He is considered by some to be a crackpot for his many conspiracy theories , among them being the fake moon landings , and the Sandy Hook school shootings , the latter of which he has speculated is an attempt by the Obama administration to further restrict gun rights. What he had to say was not only much more disturbing , but stranger than anything I have ever heard on this particular subject.

“We know for a fact , that for some time now , they have been stock piling massive amounts of weapons , from AK -47s , to machine guns , to equally massive amounts of ammunition ,” he said. “Not only are they stock piling weapons and ammunition , but they are also stock piling coffins , body bags , and guillotines for God sake! Why are they stock piling all of this stuff? Because something big is coming. They are planning on wiping out more than half the population of America – mostly real patriotic gun loving Americans – and placing the rest of us in Fema camps , while they  celebrate their communist , Marxist , liberal , gay , Nazi , Muslim , Illuminati take over of the United States.

“But wait , there’s more. What I am about to reveal may be the most bizarre claim that I , or anyone has ever made concerning the communist take over of America.  According to my anonymous source in the Pentagon , they are also stocking up on tons of diapers , baby food ,  infant sized army uniforms , and miniature samurai swords. Yes , you heard that right. He says that some of the greatest genetic scientists of the twentieth century , have created an army of infant ninja samurai warriors , male and female , each with the strength of two grown men. Yes , I know it sounds crazy. It sounds like something out of a bad science fiction movie. I myself was skeptical , until he showed me absolute proof that this was real. He showed me actual documentation , but unfortunately , the documents were top-secret , and I was unable to make copies.

“He also showed me actual training footage of these infant warriors, It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Infants , and toddlers with adult mannerisms , speaking and acting like grown adults. My source assured me that it will be these infant warriors – that number in the thousands – along with the Fema Corps youth army , that will be used in the communist  , liberal , Marxist , Nazi , gay , Muslim invasion of this great nation and enslave us all. Jade Helm is but a precursor to this invasion.”

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Posted in satire

Barack Obama Goes To Mars

Aviary Photo_130910018108081890
King Obama – aka Barry Soetero – on Mars , preparing for his tyrannical dictatorship of America.

 Andrew Basiago , a Washington attorney , claims he visited Mars  in the early eighties as a  participant in  the Darpa program involving time travel and teleportation.  He  also says he met Barack Obama in his youth , then known as Barry Soetero , who had also been recruited as a member of the project. He not only visited Mars , he claims , but was sent back in time to witness Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address , was present in the Ford theatre during Lincoln’s assassination , traveled to the year 2045 , and one million years into the past. He is  the founder and president of the Pegasus project , an organization he started for the purpose of petitioning the government to release its top secret projects to the general public. So far to date , the government has ignored his requests.

Many have dismissed these claims as those of a crack pot , or someone who is simply making it all up just to achieve his fifteen minutes of fame. But there are those who actually believe it. I myself have always believed in the possibility of time travel , and teleportation , and though these claims may seem outrageous at first glance , one must take them with a grain of salt , and an open mind.

I spoke recently  with a colleague of Mr. Basiago’s , who visited Mars with him , and who wished to remain anonymous. We spoke at the headquarters of Project Pegasus. She revealed to me some very interesting information involving the project and Barack Obama’s connection to it , information that is very disturbing , to say the least.

“There were at least forty of us who were chosen to participate in the project ,” she said. “We all had parents , or relatives who were involved in various Darpa programs , which is why we were chosen. We were told that the reason we would be going to Mars , was because we were to be ambassadors to a new planet , and to be citizens of the first Martian colony which had been in existence for some time. Andy was told that he was chosen to fulfill his destiny , which was to expose the secret programs that the government was hiding from the public , and traveling to Mars would prepare him for that. How that makes any sense , I don’t know. But he believed it. He was very naïve in those days , and still is. He believed everything they told us , and almost everything they told us was a lie , as most of us soon discovered.

“We went in groups of four. Andy , Brett Stillings , and I were in the first group with some other guy , I don’t remember who it was. I called him Rat Face , because he had beady eyes , and protruding rat like teeth that were slightly yellowish. We got to Mars on an elevator.  Again , how that makes any sense , I don’t know. There were some flashing lights on the elevator panel , that was operated by someone by remote control outside the car. When the lights turned green , the elevator shot up at what felt like a hundred miles an hour , all at once. It felt like my stomach had been left behind. Like my intestines had been twisted into knots. I almost soiled myself. But I can’t say the same for the others. Andy was alright , though he seemed to be in shock the whole time. Brett , who was the youngest of us , was not only in shock , but he also managed to soil himself , both number one and two. The other guy , Rat Face , barfed not only all over  himself , but Brett as well.

The whole trip took about twenty minutes. When the doors opened , we found ourselves on what appeared to be the surface of Mars. At least it looked like Mars. The sky had a rusty red color to it. We all exited at the same time , retching and gasping for breath. I can’t tell you how  relieved I was to get out of that elevator. If I had been forced to stay in there much longer , I would have barfed also.

To my surprise , the air was breathable , but kind of thin , and it was warm , probably because we were near the equator. And it was mostly green , at least where we were , which was an oasis with a lot of trees , flowers and plants. There was also a  building nearby. It was a round shaped structure , ringed with many windows.  Andy and I walked toward it together. We didn’t want Brett and Rat Face near us because they stank so bad , especially Brett.

“Rat Face looked around dubiously. ‘Is this really Mars?’ he said. Because of his buck teeth , he sounded like Cletus Spuckler on The Simpsons.

” ‘Of course it’s Mars ,’ Andy said. ‘Where else would it be?’

” ‘Oh , I don’t know , maybe a back lot on a Hollywood studio , maybe. Or maybe a drug induced hallucination , maybe.’

” ‘This is not a Hollywood studio lot , ‘ Andy said a little too defensively , ‘Nor is it a drug induced hallucination. It’s Mars. Deal with it.’

” ‘Hey , I’m just saying , ‘ Race Face said.

“The entrance to the building was one of those sliding doors like you see in Star Trek , that open automatically when it senses your presence. We went down a short corridor and entered  a room on the right. Andy was in charge of the group , so we had to follow his lead , because we had no idea where we were going. There were two smaller rooms , restrooms designated with standard gender symbols.

” ‘Get yourselves cleaned up ,’ Andy said. ‘There are jump suits and appropriate foot wear. We’ll meet outside this room in a half hour.’

“Thank God , I thought. I couldn’t stand the poopy smell coming from Brett’s pants any longer. His face was red with embarrassment like  an over grown baby who had just been caught crapping himself.

“Andy was waiting for us outside in the corridor. We were all dressed in the same rust red jump suits, with hiking boots on our feet.

” ‘As soon as the second group joins us , we’ll continue on down to the lower level ,’ he said. ‘There , we will be briefed about safety while on the surface and the indigenous life forms.’

“Five minutes later , the door to the room slid open and the second group came out. The last one to emerge was none other  than Barack Obama himself , who we all knew as Barry Soetero. We had met him at the training academy , and all of us had run into him from time to time. He wasn’t nearly as charismatic , as he is now. I didn’t find him particularly interesting , but Andy seemed to find him endlessly fascinating. He practically pushed everyone aside to greet him.

” ‘Well , we’re finally here ,’ the future president said , as the two smiled and shook hands. ‘This is where it begins.’

“Where what begins?” I asked.

Turning to me , he smiled and said ,’You’ll find out soon enough. You all will.’

“We entered the lower level by way of an elevator that took us more than a mile below the surface. It brought us to a large room with a viewing screen , and exactly forty chairs.  The room was white , with bare walls , like the inside of the main building and the visiting room. Five minutes later a tall man in the same rust red jump suit , and munching on a donut , entered the room. He stood in front of the viewing screen and switched it on with a remote control device.

” ‘I’m Dr. Gates , ‘ he said. ‘And before we begin here I want to welcome you all to Mars , and to congratulate you. You’ve all been chosen to participate in an experiment. An experiment which you soon learn more about. First , you need to know what to expect while you are here. Safety is the number one priority. Always remember that. While on the surface , keep your oxygen masks with you at all times. Each of you will receive one. Remember that the atmosphere on Mars is much thinner than earth , and any prolonged strenuous exercise  may result in unconsciousness. So be careful.

” ‘The second thing is the indigenous life forms that live here on Mars.’

“Many pictures of different species of small animals , flashed continuously across the screen. Some of them somewhat resembled animals that could be found on earth , and others were so strange and weird-looking that they defied a decent description.

” ‘There are many animal species , as you can see , most of them benign , much like the animal life on earth. There are , however , a few of them that are predators , and very dangerous.’

“Two species of aggressive looking animals , one somewhat resembling a large ape like creature , and the other resembling a very large canine , flashed momentarily across the screen.

” ‘Try to avoid them by staying clear of the areas in which they frequent. Later , you will all receive advanced training and procedure on the dangerous species and how to avoid them ,  and protect yourself should you run into any of them. Please remember ,  always carry your weaponry with you at all times. Each of you will also receive a special heat weapon , and proper instructions on how to use it.

” ‘The last topic  is the intelligent life form ,’ Dr. Donut continued. ‘There is only one. Shortly after arriving here on Mars , over two decades ago , we discovered a race of beings we called the Gleeps , because of the similar sound that is emitted from their rectums when they are nervous or upset.’

“The creature on-screen was a funny looking , green-skinned being with large rounded eyes , nearly as tall as a human. It reminded me of the alien creatures in the Toy Story movies.

” ‘They have no form of language , as far as we can tell , except for the sounds that come from their rectums , which may or may not be a form of communication.’

” ‘Or a fart ,’ Rat face said , and everyone laughed.

” ‘Dr. Gates laughed along with the rest of us , nearly choking on a bite of donut. “Yes , I suppose so  , who really knows ,” he said chuckling.

  “He switched off the screen. Seconds later another man in a jump suit , carrying a clip board , entered the room. He tapped Andy on the shoulder and gestured for him to follow.

” ‘Where’s Andy going?’ I asked.

” ‘Andy is on his  way to fulfilling his destiny ,’ Dr. Donut said cryptically. ‘As all of you are. Which is why you are here. You were all chosen to be a part of a grand experiment. As you know , time travel , and teleportation are now a reality. And because of time travel , we are now able to look into the future and see our destiny as it was meant to be.’

“Rat Face , who was sitting behind me , mumbled , ‘What is this dude talking about?’

” ‘I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. Because of the technology of time travel , we have looked into the future , to the year 2010 , and have discovered the future president of the United States and his destiny.’

“Barry stood up. Dr. Donut said , ‘And that future president is … Barack Obama.’

” ‘Who’s Barack Obama?’ Brett asked.

” ‘I am ,’ Barry said , smiling.

“This experiment is to determine if he is worthy of being chosen to fulfill the destiny for which he was born. Hundreds of years ago , The Illuminati chose him to be their savior , and you are all a part of that destiny for good or ill.’

” ‘This is a joke , right?’ I said.

” ‘Do I sound like I’m joking?’

“Barry laughed suddenly , as if someone had whispered something so hilariously funny into his ear. It started as a chuckle , and gradually grew into a long , drawn out guffaw. And I could swear that his eyes actually glowed.

“And that was how it all started. From there it progressed quickly , quicker than any of us could have ever imagined. The grand experiment had been nothing more than a training project to prepare Barry Seotero for his presidential dictatorial tyranny of the United States. The Gleeps , and the colonists  , were exploited as slave labor for everything under the Martian sun. Those of us who were chosen for the project who opposed him , were also used as slave labor , or locked up in prison.

“Andy of course , remained oblivious to it all. Him and Barry were fast becoming buddies , or that’s what Barry wanted him to believe. I tried to warm him that Barry was just using him to gain a future ally , but he wouldn’t listen. To Andy , Barry was a saint and could do no wrong. Just as his countless supporters believe he is.

“Eventually , we were all allowed to go back to earth. They told us that they didn’t care if we exposed the project if we chose to , because no one would believe us anyway , and if anyone did , they would just think we were crazy , and it would not change the future. Nevertheless ,  we told as many people as we could , hoping to convince  anyone who  would listen to the truth , that the communist , liberal , Nazi , gay , Muslim , Martian presidency of Barry Soetero – who would be forever known as Barack Obama  – would be the greatest threat the world has ever known.”

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

One Hundred Ways To Spot A Communist Liberal … Part 9

Aviary Photo_1310720430063096361) They don’t believe Progressive is an insurance company owned and run by communists.

2) They don’t believe the Nazi LGBT are persecuting Christians.

3) They don’t believe in Santa Claus.

4) They don’t believe Jesus is white.

5) They don’t believe Obama is sending flowers and candy , and greeting cards to his Muslim terrorist buddies.

6) They don’t believe the Clinton’s are guilty of murdering their opponents.

7) They don’t believe Hillary is really a gay , communist Muslim , who helped Barack Obama get his Muslim terrorist buddies jobs in the White House.

8) They don’t believe Bill Clinton is also a gay , communist Muslim.

9) They don’t believe the universe is  a hologram controlled by Barack Obama.

10) They don’t believe the moon is really a hollow alien spaceship.

If you know anyone who adheres to any of the above , they are indeed communist liberals in need of mental therapy.

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

Proof That Conservatives Are More Intelligent Than Liberals

 Liberals love to brag about how smart they are compared to conservatives. But there have been numerous studies to prove them wrong. Conservatives are more informed , and better educated than liberals. Below are the most common misconceptions that liberals are more intelligent.

 Liberals believe they are experts at everything. Religion , politics , science , education , and life in general.

 Religion …

  Liberals claim that religion is man-made , therefore a myth , a fairy tale.

Fact : This is only partially true. Most of the world religions are indeed man-made. Christianity is the only one true religion , since it was divinely inspired by God. The other existing religions are frauds , fakes , copy cats , inspired by the devil.

 Because liberals tend to be Godless , they mistakenly believe that they have morals. However , numerous studies have disproved this. In one such study , an atheist liberal , and a God-fearing Christian were given pornography to look at. The Godless atheist liberal could not restrain himself , and was tempted to masturbate  again and again , while the God-fearing Christian was able to restrain himself with a simple prayer.

Fact : Conservatives , who are Christians , have morals , which are given to them by  God. In other words , conservatives are moral as a result of their religious beliefs. Liberals tend to be Godless , lacking any religious beliefs , instead embracing a belief in atheism , or any number of Godless religions , such as Islam , deism , or Hinduism. By nature , they are Godless , and are completely lacking in morals , as I alluded to in the above study.

 Conservatives , as a result of their Christian beliefs , lead happier , more fulfilling lives , are more open-minded , are more accepting of new ideas and points of view , and are better problem solvers. Godless communist liberals , because they are completely lacking in morals , are unhappy , mean , close minded , bigoted , racist , people , un accepting of other points of view , and are not very good at solving problems.

Conservatives believe that all life is sacred. Godless communist liberals have no qualms about murdering innocent unborn children , but often try to justify this behavior by accusing Christians of being hypocrites when it comes to children who are gunned down in public schools by the mentally ill. They accuse Christians of opposing stricter gun laws , so by their reasoning  , they must not really care. But the truth is , the only laws Christians and conservatives oppose , are the dictatorial laws mandated by the evil tyrant Obama , who wants to take their guns away , throw everyone – but Godless communist liberals – into Fema camps , turning America into a Godless communist dictatorship , and will do so by any means necessary.

Science …

 Godless communist liberals believe in science. But any God-fearing Christian conservative knows that all aspects of science are just non sense. Liberals  believe in evolution. , the theory that life forms evolve into other life forms. They believe that life began by random chance , that two cells had intercourse , and poof! a new life form came into being. However , there has never been any credible evidence to support this theory. According to the book of Genesis , God created all life as it is , less than seven thousand years ago. Liberals also believe in the theory of global warming , that the earth is slowly getting hotter due to the effects of man-made green house gases in the atmosphere.

Fact : There is no credible evidence for any of these theories. Just ask any scientist , and they will tell you that. They are nothing more than a Godless communist plot to brainwash Americans into accepting a Godless communist dictatorship.

Education

Godless communist liberals believe in free education for all. They believe that public schools should teach only the basics , history , science , math. They believe that religion should have no role in public schools , and even though they have succeeded in removing God from public and private schools , they claim that children still have the right to pray.

Fact : Because God has been removed from public schools , no child has ever been allowed to pray , or even mention His name for fear of persecution. Ever since the evil tyrant Obama took office for the first time , Christians have been persecuted like never before. Teachers have been doused in tar and feathers , and in more extreme cases have been fired for merely mentioning the name of God in classrooms all over America. Students who dare stand up for their faith , are ridiculed , laughed at , called delusional , covered in silly string , also tarred and feathered  , and sometimes even expelled.

Liberals whine about Christians mentioning God or prayer in public schools. They are always crying about separation of church and state , which they claim is in the constitution , but say nothing when Muslims are allowed to teach their Godless religion.  Muslims have been infiltrating our public and private schools since Obama set foot in the White House , and he has always encouraged them – he is a Muslim , after all – to hold prayer vigils , readings from the Koran , and all manner of Godless Muslim activities.

 Communists have also infiltrated our public and private schools. They’ve been doing it since the nineteen fifties. Science is just one way they been doing it. Teaching foreign languages is another. Liberalism is the greatest communist threat to the public and private school system. It’s the foundation of communism. The communist liberal professors out number the conservatives by more than half , proving the existence of a communist liberal conspiracy to brainwash not only the youth of America , but everyone else as well , and to spread the communist menace.

 Politics

 When it comes to politics , liberals take the cake. This is the area in which they deem themselves not just experts , but the ultimate in authority. According to a liberal , they are always right. Anyone who disagrees with them is either a Nazi or a racist bigot. They support free speech , but only when it comes to expressing their own views and opinions. Arguing with them is useless. They always ignore facts , and when conservatives rely on facts to back their own views and opinions , liberals often resort to name calling like the immature progressives they really are. They can’t stand it when a well-informed conservative criticizes Obama , Hillary Clinton , or the communist liberal media. They are so blinded in their devotion to their ideology , they are incapable of seeing the truth when it’s right under their noses.

When a conservative tells the truth about Obama or Clinton , it’s a lost cause. Liberals don’t want to hear the truth about either one of them. They would rather believe the lies of the communist liberal media. It doesn’t matter that Hillary Clinton is lying about her emails – or the fact that she has ordered the murders of dozens of people who have dared to tell the truth about her – or that Obama is a tyrant that is destroying America with his executive orders , his financial and moral support – which includes flowers , love letters , and all sorts of goodies – of Al Qaeda , the Muslim Brotherhood , or the fact that he is taking the guns away from patriotic gun loving Americans , and will ultimately throw them all in Fema camps. This means nothing to liberals. They would rather pretend that everything is alright in their political bubble , while the economy , free speech , and personal freedoms are destroyed by Barack Obama and his evil , communist , Nazi , Muslim , liberal progressive administration.

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

One Hundred Ways To Spot A Communist Liberal – Part 8

Aviary Photo_1310842801347203611) They don’t believe Santa Claus is white.

2) They don’t believe the world is flat.

3) They believe the moon controls the oceans tides.

4) They refer to Duck Dynasty as Dick Dynasty.

5) They don’t believe the Pope is the Anti – Christ.

6) They believe Glen Beck is a cry baby.

7) They don’t believe Obama went to Mars in his youth.

8) They believe that man created God.

9) They believe in alien life.

10) They believe Caitlyn Jenner is now a liberal.

If any of your friends believe any of the above , they are Godless communist liberals , and in urgent need of mental therapy.

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

One Hundred Ways To Spot A Communist Liberal – Part 7

Aviary Photo_1310842801347203611) They believe George Bush lied about weapons of Mass destruction in Iraq.

2) They don’t believe guns make Americans safer.

3) They believe Ted Nugent is a draft dodging pants shitter.

4) They don’t believe Barack Obama is plotting to invade Texas through Jade Helm.

5) They don’t believe the End Times are upon us because of Barack Obama.

6) They don’t believe the Obama dogs , Sunny and Bo , are gay.

7) They don’t believe all the Dancing With The Stars dancers are gay.

8) They don’t believe Barack Obama is really a shape shifting alien lizard.

9) They don’t believe everything wrong in the world is Barack Obama’s fault.

10) They believe conservatives are obsessed with Barack Obama.

If you know anyone who adheres to any of the above , they are Godless communists liberals , and are in need of mental therapy.

Posted in John Hawkins, satire

One Hundred Ways To Spot A Communist Liberal – Part 6

Aviary Photo_131084280134720361

1) They don’t believe black people are thugs.

2) They don’t believe in reverse racism.

3) They don’t believe Obama is a white culture hating racist.

4) They don’t believe Obama is destroying America from within.

5) They don’t believe Obama is a communist.

6) They don’t believe Obama is running drugs and guns to Muslim terrorists , and Mexican drug cartels.

7) They don’t believe in war.

8) They don’t believe the Muslim Brotherhood are in the White House.

9) They don’t believe communists are trying to take over the world.

10) They don’t believe George Bush kept America safe.

If any of your friends subscribe to any of the above , then they are definitely Godless communist liberals , and should seek immediate mental therapy.