This week Fox News uncovered a secret plot by the president to assassinate Santa Claus , and then nuke the North Pole to cover it up. This is just one of many scandals that have plagued the White House since Obama took office six years ago.
“This confirms what we’ve known all along ,” said Megan Kelly , who once insisted that Santa is white. “The communist , liberal , atheist plot to undermine , and ultimately destroy Christmas for Christians all over America! They’ve been at it for years because they’re jealous that we have something real to believe in and they don’t. This is their final nail on the coffin , and Christmas will be destroyed forever! Oh God , I think I’m going to faint!”
Fox did not reveal its source for fear it would be ridiculed and harassed by the communist , liberal press , and be accused of making it up. The Liberal press has a long history of accusing Fox and other conservative news outlets of distorting the truth , which is , of course , pure nonsense. But they confirmed that the report is indeed genuine and there is absolutely no reason to doubt its authenticity.
When Sarah Palin heard of the plot , she vowed not to let the communist , liberal , atheists destroy Christmas , and urged her constituents to join her in letting the White House , and Obama know that they would not get away with it without a fight. The following is her statement to the press.
“How sick and depraved do you have to be to do something like this? Pretty damn sick , in my opinion! This president will stop at nothing to destroy America and the constitution of the United States! First the commie liberals cry about people saying Merry Christmas , and now they’re going for an all out assault not only on Christianity , and the constitution , but Christmas as well!
“When Santa has been assassinated by this evil regime , who will bring toys to all the good conservative boys and girls of America? Barack Obama? Is that why he wants to murder Kris Kringle? Because he’s not satisfied with being King Obama , the Tyrant of the entire world? Now he apparently wants to be Santa as well? So he can steal all of the toys and goodies for himself? Well , we can’t have a black president , and a black Santa! No siree! It’s just not right! I urge all patriotic , freedom loving Americans in the Tea and Republican parties to join me on a march to the White House. Please no guns! I know a lot of you folks love your guns , but we can’t do this with violence , it must be done through non violence. We must show the world that we are peace-loving Americans and not the crazy gun nuts the lefty liberals like to portray us.”
Rush Limbaugh was apparently moved to tears by Palin’s speech. The following day , on his syndicated radio program , Mr. Limbaugh valiantly offered ( after a long tirade against Obama , in which he called him every name possible , and rightly so ) to be the next Santa Claus , so that all the good conservative boys and girls would not have to suffer because of the president and his selfish , evil plot.
“I actually cried like a baby ,” Mr. Limbaugh said in an interview later that day , with Megan Kelly. “I had this vision of all the good boys and girls with no toys to play with , or junk to eat on Christmas morning , and I just … I just lost … I just … oh God , I think I need a tissue. Will somebody please get me a tissue?”
Mr. Limbaugh also vowed to join the march on the White House , and urged his listeners to do the same.
With patriotic Americans like Palin , Limbaugh , and their legions of followers , the plot to murder Santa may back fire on the president and his evil minions , now that it is public knowledge. Let us pray to God that it will.